Hiding Myself. A fem!Bilbo Bagginshield fanfic

Chapter 1

     In the Shire, hobbits lived together in peace. Nothing ever happened and no one ever went on adventures or did anything unexpected. Occasionally a Took would go off somewhere but never a Baggins. The Bagginses never went anywhere. Mrs Belladonna Baggins née Took never went anywhere after she married Bungo Baggins. Their only child, Bella Baggins, was like a copy of her comfortable and normal father, but she inherited something odd from her Took side.
     But one day, Gandalf arrived. Gandalf! Many hobbits said he was responsible for so many respectable hobbits going off into the Blue.
     He stopped suddenly in front of Bag End, the home built by Bella's father for his wife. A young hobbit lass sat outside, smoking a pipe that nearly went down to her feet. She glanced up and smiled warmly.
     "Good morning! " she said, and she meant it. The sky was a brilliant blue and birds could be heard singing their songs.
     "And a good morning to you, Bella Baggins. " came his reply. Her head shot up when this stranger, this perfectly odd stranger, used her name.
     "H-How do you know my name, and what is yours? "
     "I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means me. And I know you because I knew your mother, Belladonna. " Gandalf explained.
     She nodded politely. "Oh. Well then, what could you be doing here in Hobbiton? "
     He then bent down on his staff and watched the young hobbits reaction. "I am looking for someone to share in an adventure. "
     Bella stood up and shook her head suddenly. "Sorry, but there's no one here who'd want to go somewhere. Maybe you should try Across the Water or Over the Hill. But not here. " she said. "I don't imagine anyone west of Bree would ever want to go on any adventure. "
     "Well.... What happened to the young Bella who used to go tramping off looking for elves, wearing boy's clothes? What happened to her? "
     Bella frowned, walking to her door. "She grew up. " she said simply.
     "That's a shame.... "
     "What kind of adventure? " Bella asked, her Took curiosity getting the best of her.
     Gandalf smiled. "One that, if you go on, you will not be the same. "
     "If I come back, you mean. "
     The wizard only nodded. "My friends have need of a burglar to help them. They can explain better tomorrow. "
     "They? "
     "Yes. It's.... Hard to explain. "
     Bella shrugged. "If you can come back tomorrow for tea to explain, and only that mind you, I may go with. "
     Gandalf nodded and was about to turn away before speaking again. "If... If any of my friends turn up before me tomorrow, I have told them that you are called Bilbo Baggins. "
     "You told them I'm a man? " Bella spluttered. Gandalf nodded in reply.
      "Yes. They have..... Superstitions about women going on adventures, and I'm hoping to break those. "
     "Alright. Tomorrow at tea. "

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     The next day Bella was racing around her hobbit-hole. She'd only just remembered that Gandalf was coming back today about that dratted adventure she'd agreed to. A heavy knock on her door startled her. She quickly straightened the man's shirt she'd dug up from her father's trunk.
     But when she opened the big, round, green door, she got a huge shock. In front of her stood a dwarf, his stature seeming threatening. Even more surprising was his slightly matted beard and bald, tattooed head.
     "Dwalin at your service. I presume you must be Mister Bilbo Baggins? " he greeted. Bella nodded, still looking a bit shell shocked.
     "O-Of course. I apologize, I hadn't expected anyone. "
     Dwalin nodded. "Of course. Gandalf said he should be here. He also said there'd be food, but none of us wanted to seem rude. "
     Bella nodded. "I suppose I can find something. "
     Dwalin then stepped inside, hung his cloak on a peg, and his weapons on the floor. He then walked to the pantry to find food. Bella sat down, shocked. Dwarves! Those were Gandalf's friends?
     Another knock sounded and made Bella stand up to answer it.
     This time, two dwarves stood in her doorway. Both were rather good-looking, one with blonde hair and a braided mustache and the other with dark hair and some stubble.
     "Fili. "
     "And Kili. "
     "At your service! " they said, bowing at the same time. Fili, the blonde dwarf, nodded. His brother grinned cheekily.
     "H-hello... "
     "You must be Mr. Boggins! " Kili exclaimed.
     Luckily for her, Dwalin stomped in and welcomed the two boys by knocking their heads together! Bella had never seen anything so odd. The three disappeared back into her pantry, Kili chattering a mile a minute.
     Bella had just gotten another dwarf settled, a friendly one named Balin, when the doorbell rang as if some naughty hobbit boy was trying to pull it off. She opened the door to find an entire pile of dwarves on her doorstep. Their names buzzed past her as she stood there. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Nori, Ori, Dori, Oin, and Gloin.
     Fili walked up behind her and patted the surprised hobbit on the shoulder. "You alright there, Bilbo? "
     She nodded. "Of course. I just didn't realize... "
     "Gandalf had so many friends? Yeah, he's weird like that. " Kili cut in. Bella couldn't help but smile at the dwarf's childishness.
     The dwarves had just finished eating all of her food and when she heard a thumping on the table. The dwarves including Bofur, were banging their knives on the table.
     She stepped in slightly. "Please be careful? You'll blunt them! "
     Bofur only chuckled. "Do ye hear that, lads? He says we'll blunt the knives. "
     Fili began singing and his brother quickly joined.

Blunt the knives, bend the forks
Smash the bottles and burn the corks,
Chip the glasses and crack the plates
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!
Cut the cloth, tread on the fat
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat
Pour the milk on the pantry floor
Splash the wine on every door!
Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl
Pound them up with a thumping pole
And when you've finished, if any are whole
Send them down the hall to roll!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!

     Bella ran into the kitchen to see Gandalf, who had arrived earlier, standing behind a pile of dishes. Kili laughed, messing up the hobbits' hair.
     Their jubilation was cut short by heavy knocks on the door. Every single dwarf turned to the door with a serious expression. Bella got the impression that the new visitor was someone important.
     "He is here. " was Gandalf's only hint. He strode over to the door with Bella scurrying behind. They stopped as Gandalf opened the door.
     Bella nearly fell over when the final dwarf entered. He seemed taller than the others and wore garments that even Bella knew meant he must be important. His black hair was streaked with silver strands. His piercing gaze turned immediately to Bella.
     "So this is the hobbit. " he said. Bella stared, his deep voice rolling over her.
     Gandalf luckily spoke for her. "Yes. This is Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo, this is the leader of our company. Thorin Oakenshield. "
     Bella nodded. Thorin snickered, looking her up and down. "He looks more like a grocer than a burglar. "
     The hobbit fought to think of a comeback before Thorin left to join his companions. Gandalf placed a hand on her shoulder and lowered his voice. "Don't let him bother you, Bella. He's just like that. "
     Bella followed the wizard with conflicting thoughts. He was certainly attractive, but he was rude.
     She walked into her dining room to find the dwarves clustered around her table with a map of some sorts. Thorin was talking about a dragon in the mountain.
     A dragon. They expected Bella, a hobbit, to steal from a fire-breathing dragon.
     "Bilbo? Are you listening? " Kili asked. She nodded, unable to respond.
     "The grocer's probably scared. " Thorin remarked. Bella's Took side flared at the king's comment.
     "I am not scared, Master Dwarf. " she stated. "I'm merely listening to the conversation. "
     The dwarf looked surprised for a moment but quickly returned to his usual stoic expression. "Have you ever even seen anything scarier than a dust bunny? " he teased. Bella huffed angrily. Gandalf quickly sent Thorin a quick look of warning, as well as the laughing company. He then gestured for the hobbit to come closer.
     "Enough of this nonsense. Bilbo is the fourteenth man for the expedition that you asked me to choose. We should be getting on with things. "
     Thorin nodded in agreement.. "Very well. Balin, the contract for Mr. Baggins. "
     The older dwarf pulled out a long piece of paper and handed it to Bella. Looking it over, she sighed almost silently. Signing it as Bilbo Baggins, she used a trick her father had taught her. If any had put her signature up to a mirror, they would have seen Bella Baggins written there.
     Once both Balin and Thorin had looked over the contract, the group migrated to the fireplace. Fili and Kili left and returned with an armload each of instruments. Each dwarf held theirs, Thorin leaning onto the mantle. Bella listened to their music, smiling.
     Then, Thorin's deep voice began singing. The song seemed to Bella to be about the dwarves, and a dragon. Bella quietly left, sitting in the hall. She stretched, ignoring the slight pain from her wrapped chest. She'd hurriedly wrapped it up with some cloth before the dwarves arrived.
     The last thing she remembered that night was Thorin's voice slowly singing their Dwarvish song.