See Spot Run

FÜNF: "LIFE IS SO GREAT"

The sleeping arrangements Spot managed to pull out of her ass ended up having a plus for Wahoo: he's been given the honor of sleeping with Snoopy. The only downside is that Spot winks at him and nudges his arm with her elbow every time he follows her up to her room, as if she's expecting them to go from almost-but-not-quite-boyfriend and girlfriend to having wild sex every night. Still, Wahoo decided that it's a small price to pay for such an opportunity.

It's only eight o'clock, and absolutely nothing is stopping Wahoo from staying with Spot and watching public access TV or playing go fish, but when Snoopy decides that she'd rather sit in her bed than on the couch he almost feels obligated to go with her. He feels a certain sense of responsibility in sharing the bed, like if they don't go up together the world will be thrown off its axis. It sounds dramatic, but he's faithfully followed her for the past two nights and, last he checked, the world is still right where it should be.

Wahoo twiddles his thumbs as Snoopy fingers through a National Geographic issue that's ten years out of date. Snoopy secretly wishes that Wahoo would both take off his slippers and stop bouncing his leg in a way that makes the entire bed shake, but she's too enthralled by pretending to read about the wildlife of Java (but really just looking at the pictures) to say anything.

Her focus is short-lived, however, and soon after she sighs like she bears the world's problems and drops the magazine onto her lap. "Can I tell you something?"

Wahoo's ears ring profusely for a minute as he pictures all of the declarations of love Snoopy could proclaim before whimpering, "Yeah, of course."

Snoopy gives Wahoo a look only people who are about to immediately regret what they say give. "When I was twelve, Dad let me watch Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was really disappointed because I thought it was a comedy."

"...What?"

"It has the word 'superstar' in it, and I thought that was a funny word so I guess I went in expecting it to be a comedy." Snoopy sniffles once she realizes how stupid it actually sounds.

"...Okay."

"And then they crucified Jesus and I was like, 'Oh, wait. This isn't meant to be funny at all.'"

"Wait, wait. Didn't Judas die before they crucified Jesus?"

"Probably."

"Judas hanged himself from a tree and you still thought Jesus Christ Superstar was a comedy?"

"Yes! Well, not that part specifically. But I kept waiting for something funny to happen and it never did."

"Why the hell...why was this on your mind?"

Snoopy sighs again and rubs her eyes. "It's been on my mind since I was twelve. It feels so good to finally get it out." 

Wahoo sits back in amazement as Snoopy holds the magazine right up against her face. It's muffled, but Wahoo still hears her mutter, "Thank you."

He pats her leg, and she decides not to jerk it back like he actually hurt her. "If it makes you feel better."

They return to their usual bout of silence until the doorbell rings, which most definitely does not make Snoopy feel better. She closes her eyes and then diverts her gaze to Wahoo. "I'm not going down there."

Wahoo knows that if he doesn't get her to get up Spot will, so he tries to reason with her. "Just come down for a second, you--"

"No."

"You just have to say hi to them!"

"And then what? Talk to them?" She says it like it's a completely unheard of experience. "No thanks."

"Snoopy--"

"I said no."

"And in any other case I would respect that, but you need to do this. For me." In case he isn't a high enough notch on the totem pole to make Snoopy change her mind, he adds, "For your sister."

She shakes her head so hard her brain almost knocks against her skull, but then the talking downstairs begins to flood into the doorway and she mutters, "Are you fucking kidding me," as Moondoggie barges in without even knocking.

"Am I interrupting something?" he asks, although it comes off more like shouting.

Snoopy holds her head in her hands as Wahoo turns three shades brighter and shakes his head.

"What's up, Wahoo? And Snoop Dog?" he asks, holding out both his fists. Only Wahoo gives him daps.

Snoopy instead chooses to greet him with a tired smile and a half-assed, "Hi...Moon Dog."

Moondoggie's posture relaxes and he pushes stray strands of hair away from his face. "Aw man guys, I can't believe this is happening! I'm in fuckin' Switzerland, this is so rad."

"Yeah," Snoopy says.

"Life is so great."

"I bet."

He grabs both Wahoo and Snoopy's arms so hard and suddenly that they both shriek and nearly slap him away. "Don't be lazy, you gotta see the rest of the gang!" Moondoggie says.

Snoopy would rather bleach her eyeballs than see the rest of the gang, but for a plucky guy Moondoggie proves to have an iron grip on the both of them and drags them out of the bed.

Gidget, Tuna, and Bullwinkle are all congregated in the living room, shrieking and squealing like a flock of vultures. Wahoo steps out of line to go say hi, but Snoopy grabs his hand and he decides that nothing in the world could compel him to let go in that moment. They both remain planted by the stairs like lead weights and wait for everyone to flock towards them.

Moondoggie grabs his sister by the shoulders and steers her towards them. "You already know Wahoo," he's like.

Gidget envelops him in a hug and says, "What's up bud?"

Snoopy's grip on Wahoo tightens to the point that he's sure he's losing circulation in his right hand, but he doesn't exactly mind.

Spot swoops in and intervenes with her girlfriend in tow. "Hey guys!" she tells Wahoo and Snoopy, dragging a blue-haired woman over by the wrist. "This is Bullwinkle! Bullwinkle, this is my friend Wahoo and my sister Snoopy."

Bullwinkle gives them a toothy smile and extends her hand out. "It's nice to finally--"

"I don't shake hands," Snoopy says coldly.

"I don't have to pretend to be your friend," Bullwinkle says, still smiling.

Snoopy blinks and takes a deep breath.

"I don't like her," Snoopy tells her younger sister once they're both in the kitchen.

"You guys will get along," Spot says.

Snoopy starts emphatically shaking her head before Spot even finishes speaking. "Nope. Break up with her."

"Don't be such a sourpuss," Spot says, playfully swatting her sister's arm. "You'll be fine."

"Shitter's backed up!" Moondoggie shouts from the bathroom as he vigorously begins to flush. The sound of water overflowing follows soon after, and everyone else can faintly make out Moondoggie whispering, "Well, that's not good."

Snoopy sighs and holds her head in her hands. "Tell me it'll be okay, Spot."

"Things might be okay--"

"Tell me it'll be okay."

"It'll be fine!" Spot says in a voice so phony it doesn't help to assuage her sister in the slightest. "Everything's gonna be--"

Moondoggie slides into the kitchen and grabs the paper towels. He stops at the doorway and stares down at the roll before telling Spot, "We're gonna need more than this."