AceSabo - My Personal Guard

Chapter 11

The war had ended... a while ago. Though, we are still on edge for any left over people who may want to take revenge. Oh, our province won, of course. It took some time, but it happened. There were casualties, as anyone would expect, and quite a lot. Luckily, if one could say that, not many citizens had their lives taken. For anyone, it hurt seeing the list of names that showed all who had not returned.

"Prince? You're here again," I heard someone say to me from behind. A soft and calm voice, but not that one. When I looked back, I only saw silky black hair that was tied up. The maid smiled at me with her glossy red lips and said to me, "you'll catch a cold." With that, she held up a coat for me, which I took.

I gave her a thanks, then turned away again. As I turned, I knew that gentle smile showed pain. "I'll be fine, Daiyu... I will head in soon. I just... want to stay here for a bit," I told her.

She bowed and turned to go. I could hear her shoes take some steps, then stop. "Those lost... would want to see your smile, Prince," I heard before the steps faded away.

I let out a sigh and crouched down. Staring at the marble stone, I set my hands over its surface. It was so cold. My fingers ran across the carved grooves, then down. As they traced over the characters, I read: "Liu Juan, Zhao Jie, Li Mingxia, Huang Ling, Yang Fenfang..."

It went on and on. All these people we all once knew... They just disappeared just like that. Well... not really disappear, but- maybe one. My red eyes stared at the two characters behind the slowly falling snow. This name... I refused to read.

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The war was over! Finally- after so long, it's done! People cheered and cried at the news. I may have too. Happiness flooded our province one again. The fighters will return- or what was left of them. I remember pushing through everyone to get to that list. My eyes did not even look towards the families embracing their fathers, brothers, uncles, step-brothers or lovers. Selfish me. I did not care of their happiness in that moment. I wanted mine.

"Commander! He- Where is he," I asked before I even got close enough. Before he could even speak, I grasped his shoulders and asked again. I asked even louder. It got attention, of course. Everyone was watching, so when I got an answer, everyone knew it too.

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"We should really put an umbrella over this... The snow is relentless this season," I mumbled as I pushed myself up. I sank my hand into the deep snow that layered on top of the black marbled structure and wiped it off. My sleeves got wet from it, but... oh well. At least it could dry and return to its original state... unlike the people who lied here in this grave.

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"Send more out then! He must still be out there! He- He has to be," I yelled in complaint. This could not be happening- Nonsense. It could totally have happened. This was what reality was, but I wouldn't accept it. I couldn't. How could anyone? "You're lying to me- Don't mess with me--- Please be lying, Commander," I ended up pleading as I fell to my knees.

Everyone watched me. Everyone saw my knees hit the brick floor. Perhaps for the first time of their lives, they saw tears slipping off of my nose, heard me pleading and begging upon my knees. To who, was I begging? Maybe the god I never really trusted. For once, I wished there to be one. So this is how it felt... to have had someone so close fall away.

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I didn't believe them then and I did not believe them now. It was only just ink on paper-chisel on stone. There was no proof. Don't lie to me... I shut the gate carefully before I headed back to the castle. People passed and bowed, then so did I. Whether I smiled or not, they knew... This prince... That poor prince. What happened to him? He lost someone apparently. Who was it? I'm not sure. Barely anyone that did not work in the castle knew him. It was maybe better that way. For me, it made it easier, I think.

After the visit to the grave, my next stop was... It was the gates of the province, but I was told not to go there, for it was too dangerous still. It's more dangerous outside of them... I frowned at the thought and continued my way back. Useless... Then, I felt it, now, I did as well. I felt idiotic. Constantly, I would think about our times together- but... what times were we together... In just a few days, we did so much. It all felt like a dream. He wasn't really here.

I sat myself down on the steps and hung my head onto my crossed arms. What am I doing... What was I doing? I really am the worst... First thing I really did was punish him, though innocent, then sleep with him- telling him to remove his clothes to see if he really would? What kind of person does that... The fact that I continued made it worse. What if because all of that, he actually hated it? Maybe he could have hated it so much that he would be happy if... he didn't return. It would be better for him that way, would it not-

His calming voice rang through my head. That smile he seemed to show to no one else... That accent-hinted Mandarin and his blue eyes- or eye. How he looked at me like no other... Anyone could tell that he was happy... You don't even need to think once about his happiness towards me...

What if that was also a dream? These eyes of mine... perhaps they are blind. I, who hasn't been in a proper relationship, thinking this? Am I even permitted? I stared down at the snow-covered tiles that I rested my feet and bottom upon. It's so cold... He must also be cold... That fair skin, soft to the touch despite the scars that decorated his body. It must be cold to the touch. That warmth I felt before... This harsh winter must have made it cold, if not the war. That dense forest filled with wolves, bears, and badgers... It must have trapped him by now, if not the cages of iron. My hands gripped my hair tightly as I grinded my teeth together. Why do I think like this? Nothing good... Nothing good at all...

Dreams don't always come true. It's cruel to tell a child that. Sometimes, your dreams are torn from your grasp. They are beaten and shot down by others. Perhaps you can heal them and catch them again... but reality is cruel in those other times. You can't have your dream come true... if that dream no longer exists.

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