Lessons of Indifference

chapter two

I wake up before the sun comes up. Outside, the sky is a dark blue, with light coming from the bottom. I slip out of bed and begin to dress. I don't know what people wear on an airplane. I decide to dress in jeans and a tank blouse. I brush my hair and teeth, and I am almost ready to go when there is a knock at the door. "Come in," I say. Jane enters. "I made you a little something for breakfast." She says.

"Thank you," I reply.

"No problem." She smiles at me. "I think Charles is almost ready to go." She is about to leave, but I stop her. "Jane?"

"Yes dear?"

"Who is Jack?"

Jane's face sinks. She sighs, and says "Jack was my son. He died when he was thirteen."

I don't speak for a moment. "I'm so sorry..." I finally say.

"Oh, it's alright..." She replies sadly.

"No," I say, shaking my head. "It's not. I know how you're feeling ma'am. I lost my mom, sister, and Gran just this year. I know it's not okay."

"I know," Jane frowns. "It's just hard sometimes, you know?"

I nod. "I know."

Jane draws me into a tight hug. I resist for a moment, but then I let her hug me. She needs it. "Thank you darling."

"For what?" I ask. I brought up her dead son. I couldn't possible be helping her.

"For giving me a little taste of reminiscence." She smiles. "Of having a child."

"Any time." I give a small fake smile.

"Anyway," Jane says, straightening up. "How about that breakfast?"

* * *

After a thorough breakfast, the Captain drives me to the airport. I am scared of flying alone, and nervous about flying all together. But he assures me it's nothing to worry about. He takes me through to customs and checks my bags, then it is time to say goodbye. "Thank you for having me," I tell him.

"No problem." He says. "You know, Jane really loved having you. I really think she needed that."

I remember Jane's kind face and lovely personality. "I'm glad to have helped."

I wave goodbye and go to the gate. My backpack on my back, I follow the rest of the people down the hallway to where my flight will leave. I show the lady my passport and walk down the skinny hallway onto the plane. I follow the number on my ticket to find my seat, and sit down next to the window. And old Asian man and a middle aged woman sit in the two seats to my right. When the plane finally takes off, I clutch my seat as hard as I can until my knuckles turn white. Despite the woman's constant assurance the plane will not crash, I am still terrified. I loosen my tension by staring out the window at the wide wilderness below. I had no idea that Arizona is so beautiful. The plane flies high above the clouds, so I can no longer see the world below. If I could only feel the wind in my hair, I would feel more free. I wonder if that is what dying feels like. Kind of like flying, but more free. Nothing to stop you from falling, but you don't fall, because there is nowhere for you to fall, except up.

Putting on my headphones, I lean my head back and relax. Before I know it, I am asleep.

* * *

The 'ding' of the pilot's message wakes me. "We will be landing shortly." As the plane descends, I stare out the window at the beauty below. I wish I could stay up here forever. There is no death in the sky. No loss, or pain, or anything, there is just freedom. If I were a bird, I would fly away. I would fly to the sky and spend my days soaring and watching the world from above. Because the world can't suck you in if you aren't on the world. No one can break you. No one can hurt you when you're alone. And no one can hear you when you are singing in the sky.