When you just need some peace: self harm isn't what most people think it is

My Story

So my story is pretty long and it's kind is complicated. The only reason me and my friends understand is because we lived it. My new friends don't completely understand yet either. I have changed the names of everyone involved.

So my mom and dad got pregnant with me even though he pulled out when they were 19 and 20. They got married as soon as they could and had my brother. They ended up divorcing when it was two and my dad got instantly re-married. My mom waited a while but still got remarried before I was four. My step mom abused me for as long as I can remember, physically, emotionally, and verbally. She would call me a ton of names and would hit me and my brother. She locked us in our rooms and we couldn't even go out to go to the restroom. She would lock us in closets or with the five dogs, who were also abused. We had to follow ridiculous rules, even worse than the typical ridiculous rules. She would with hold food from us, make us go to school in the middle of winter wearing shorts and flip flops. She would throw bleach on our favorite clothes or throw away movies or books. She would literally feed our homework to her dogs and wouldn't let us study by taking our schoolwork from us. If we did anything wrong no matter how small, we would get severely punished. I would usually take the blame for shit my brother did so that I could protect him. I took most of the abuse. It didn't help that I fought back and my brother sat there and took it. It just made it worse for me.

My moms house was an escape for us. She would smother us in objects and love and would try as hard as she could to "fix" the damage from my stepmom. She took my dad and stepmom to court three times and never gained full custody. She only got shared custody. They split everything money-wise in half and payed half of everything. We would spend a week as each house and Mondays one parent would drive is to school and we would ride the bus to the other parents house. If we left homework or something at one house, we couldn't get it until the next week.

Only on the third time did my mother get full custody of us and my dad have to pay child support. I tell my dad all the time how much he hurt me and how he knew it was going on and did nothing. I tell him how horrible of a father he is and how much I wish he was dead. And I mean it. Him and my step mom. My step dad was always a father to me. I was attached at the hip to him. We were best friends. Just like me and my father until my step mom came. We would walk out side together and my dad would teach me to say words such as ladybug and tree and sky. He was the one that taught me to walk and crawl and run and speak and anything and everything else. Then my step mom came and ruined everything.

Now, me and my brother go to my dad's house every other weekend. I don't go and haven't gone for months almost a year. My brother on the other hand, goes only sometimes and it's so that he can play video games and milk my dad of money and places to go. Both him and my dad know that. It's no secret. The relationship there is surreal. My brother doesn't see my stepmom anymore because she hates us and leaves every other weekend to stay away from my brother.

Off of the topic of family, I have a lot of groups. I always have. I've always been the super pretty girl that every guy wanted to be with and every girl wanted to be. I was never without a girlfriend or boyfriend. I was never without a friend. But I was nice to everyone. Even if no one liked you I would be your friend. I was the girl that would hang with the druggies but never smoked, hung with the nerds and was smart, hung with the popular crew and was one of them. I was liked my everyone.

I had known this guy named Caimen (I'm not changing his name and you will see why) since he moved here from Canada in second grade. We were the best of friends and never left each other's sides. We dated for five years and it was amazing. Until he started doing drugs and drinking and having sex so I broke up with him. Then we were off and on until last year. I loved him and always will. I just don't love his actions. I found out that he would cheat on me with my best friend every time we got into a fight when we were off and on. Now, he never talks to me but he talks to everyone else. He has gone to jail more times than I can count. I haven't talked to him when he was sober since we ended the off and on shit. He is usually too high to remember who he's talking to when he's on the phone with someone. He came to school so high once that he dropped his plate and fell over and when he got up he grabbed the tray but none of the food and started looking for the food he dropped, which was behind him. He went from a guy that only listened to rock and loved me to a guy that is in jail all the time and in a gang and does drugs and has sex and gets paneled and doesn't go to his alternative school. He isn't the same and I wish he was. He used to wear a red shoelace tied around his right ankle, but he gave it to me before he left. Now I wear it just like he did and I never take it off. Not to shower or sleep or anything. He kisses and fucks all these other girls he has never met before but then in all those years we dated, he has never not once kissed me.

I am sort of sexually active. I have never had sex but I have done just about everything else. I try to get every guy to fall in love with me to boost my self esteem because I have none. I like the chase of it all. I can't stop the thrill of doing things with people. I am pansexual so I like anything and everything. You could have an alligator for a dick and I would still suck it. I'm a hoe and I know I am.

I self harm because it gives me a distraction from the pain. From my dad. From my stepmom. From Caimen. From my old and main boy toy Jesse (another name I won't ever change). He was my boy toy until his parents sent him off to military school for drugs. The adrenaline from the physical pain makes the emotional pain go away a little. You get immune to the pain of self harm so you have to do it more and more and find more ways to do it. I have tried everything from exercising to coloring to decorating. The only things that works it this.

I do like to do those things though. They don't take anything away. They just make me happier at the moment. I like drawing, writing, decorating my walls. I like fashion and makeup and hair a lot. I like listening to music. I like every kind of music there is. I like animals and the out doors a lot. I've wanted to be a vet since I was four when I saw my first horse up close and fell in love. I always liked the crazy outside thinkers and the goth style. My favorite colors are purple blue and black, which is oddly enough the colors of bruises which I give myself everyday by tripping over thin air because I'm so clumpy.

Most people say I'm too pretty, smart, and popular to be insecure. They say I look fine today when I can pick out a million things wrong with me. They say we are more critical of ourselves than other people are of us, but that doesn't change anything. They say I'm so tall and skinny and pretty. They say I'm almost too good at school and I should skip grades with how smart I am. They say I have so many friends I can talk to. But I don't see myself as pretty sexy skinny tall smart or popular. I used to be popular until I became a hoe to get that attention I needed because I didn't get it at home. I am short and I wear heels to be taller. I am not skinny. I just wear clothes that make me look skinnier. I have big boobs but no ass so I'm lopsided a little. I am not pretty at all. My eyes, despite the ice blue color, are too deep set and pencil eyeliner gets every wear on my eyelid so I have to use liquid on my top. I don't have clear skin and I have a brown birthmark on my bottom lip. I battle a lot depression and anxiety and I don't hang with friends anymore. I don't really like doing anything anymore except laying in bed and listening to music.

Everyone says I could be a model or actress or singer or dancer, but I am not pretty or tall enough to be a model, I am too self conscious about myself to be an actress. I have an amazing voice but I get nervous to show my friends, much less the world. And I can dance, but I really only do "black" or "ghetto" dances. I mean, I can dance other kinds of dances like Latin ballroom and hip hop, but I'm too clumpy. I would trip on my way to any kind of stage.

So that's my story. Pleeeeease inbox me at I_am_in_love_. I want to hear your story. I know that was a lot to read, but I'm glad you did. It gives a little background. Obviously that's not everything that has ever happened, but it's the good bit of it. I would love to answer any questions or read your stories. I would love to just chat if you want. My kik is also FffdpShady. Anytime you guys want to talk, I am here! Love you all! :* <3