Skin Deep

Our Beginning and End

College was where the bad guys were supposed to be. The ones at the parties who scoffed when I didn't return their nudges. The car full of strange males who would whistle and call at me when I was only trying to cross a street. Rick from history who seemed nice at first, but turned out only wanting a friends with benefits relationship from me. I told him I was in a loyal relationship and he got uptight and angry. I wanted to hurt him, them, then. And what, exactly, makes you think I would ever engage in something like that, I wanted to ask. My breasts? My hips? My forbidden center? You don't even know me, and you already think you can have me? Own me? Destroy me?

Is that the fate that the world has decided for me - destruction? A blank face but a body for their means to an end?

Home. That was where my good guy was supposed to be.

Breathe. Just breathe. Have patience.

I looked back up into his eyes and smiled. "I just don't want to right now," I shrugged. He stuck his lip out and pouted.

"Please, baby, I miss you." I stared into those crystal clear, pleading eyes. Inside I felt like a witch was crawling up my throat, pumping my guts full of hate and shredding what love I had left.

"I said no," I responded, echoing his pout. I wondered how much longer I could go on playing cute. 

Why do our moments alone have to always be like this - can't we just be in each other's presence and that be good enough?

I felt dry and cracked inside. He was the one draining me; but never filling, never completing.

"But you never do anything fun anymore," he fretted, his hand gently tugging on my arm.

I tried not to get angry. I bit back the bile of screams choking my throat. I wanted to reach up and dig my fingernails into my skull. I wanted to sink my fingers into my flesh and rip it from my body.

Here, I would say. Have it. My gift to you. You keep my body and I keep my soul.

I would be raw and bleeding; and his love would be skin deep and fulfilled.

However, I think I've had enough, now. I don't think I will give him, them, that peace.

So I let the smile fall off my face and I looked them dead in the eyes. "No," I thundered, although my voice was only a whisper.

Just a whisper, but I was free. And freedom was fun.

#MyHandmaidsTale