Have you ever noticed?

Noticed my love?

Sometimes I thought, you don't even know I'm there, that you don't see me, just the others, like I never exist for you... it made me sad. But you started to spend more time with me and it made me so happy.

You laughed, smiled and seemed to be happy when we where together. I love it when you're happy.

But then when you where with the others and laugh, man I'm so jealous! Your smile should only be for me. Your smile, your beautiful hair, your big lips which make you kinda look like a fish, the sparkle in your eyes when you're on stage. Everything, I want it, I need it.

What ever I did, you never noticed...maybe it's better so, but I can't hold it, I wanna hug u in a way we never huged before , I want to hold u closer and never let you go,I want you by my side when I feel asleep I want you in my arms when I awake, everytime in my life.. I want only you...

I don't know what to do, what if you hate me because I love you, or when you never talk to me again or smile to me. I couldn't life with that, I'm too frightend what could happend...so I decide to go... With my feelings for you and my hopes to forget you...

To smile one day and think it's ok, I can be happy again...

It tooked me a long time to graps this decision but I hoped that u would stop me, say me that you love me, that you doesn't want me to go...

A week after our last funny days, I went to Andy and said that I want to leave...

Sure he tried to stop me but I only want to be stopped from you...

I went to our dorm where we were living together for so long...

I walked through all the rooms and memories popped up in my head...

My steps went to the Kitchen where we so often cooked together, and where you get so often hurt because of your clumsiness so I had to take over and chopped the vegetables or anything that we needed. You still burned yourself on the hot

From the Kitchen to the Livingroom, there on the couch you once fell asleep on my lap and you seemed so peacefully, like you weren't exhausted from all the training, like your eyes hadn't had those dark shadows underneath from the long nights of training or the pressure thats upon us. I only wanted to kiss you in that moment...

I felt so proud that I would make you look so relaxed and calm.

The next room where my feed had taken me was our bathroom where so often we all had depth charge battles and we both hide behind the door or you hide behind me. It was so cute, you squeezing my arms as you tried to use me as a shield, or when u screamed in your high voice when you once actually got wet and not only me.

And at least I walked to our shared room...I was hard to open the door, with the knowing that it would be the last time to walk inside, with all our things and your smell in the air...

There were so many memories, but in this moment there was only one stuck in my head. It was that rainy day where you were sitting at the window and seemed so alone, sad and watched to the people and cars outside... you didn't even noticed me as I came in... Maybe you were even crying, I walked carefully to you and wrapped my arms around you, I never wanted to see u so sad...

As I wrapped my arms around you, you tensed but relaxed immediately. We had sat like that for a while and just watched the raindrops on our window. I breathed your smell in, we never had been so long so close and it felt so good, it felt like we were made for each other, your smaller frame fitting perfectly in my arms and against my chest. You eventually started talking about nothing in particular, just talking. It was one of my best days while we lived together

But now as I leave... would you be sad again, would u sit there again and cry, looking so lonely. Would you even notice, that I'm gone?

Well I'm never going to know...

I walked to my shelf and opened it, putting my significant things in a bag and slowly closed the door of the shelf... I walked out our room, the last time, closed the door and walked through the hall, I cried... cried on the last few steps to my lonely live, to my life without you. Tears felt on the floor in front of the door and made the entrance wet, I open the last door to go out your life...

Promise me to smile also when I'm away...

I love you...