Splinters: Part One

Part One | 9

I looked at the small bowl with indifference. I didn't believe in God, so to me, all it was was a bowl of regular water. I passed it without a second thought. 

Making our way down the pews, Greg finally chose one in the middle. We all sat and kneeled first, putting our hands together. I decided to pray for the first time in a long time. I wanted to really pray as the priest prepared for the mass.

Hey, um, Jesus? You know, if, um, you're there and all that, I just wanted to apologize. I know I've made mistakes and I blame them on you but sometimes I don't know who else to blame. I've already blamed myself for enough and I know it's not fair on you. Um, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and, uh, please keep Ursa, Dera, Beau, Eda, and Annetta safe and happy. And Melissa and Greg too. I mean, they deserve it. I don't. Also, um, that brings me to my next question... I know you probably have to help other people, but I just want to know, and you can tell me in any way, it's not really a big deal to me, but... why me? I'm just some kid. Why did they choose me? Why didn't they choose Jake or Josephine? Why me? Why am I so special? Anyways, yeah. That's all I really have to say. Um, amen.

I couldn't help but feel stupid. I never thought I'd step inside a church again after being adopted, but for some reason I'm back again. But nothing's changed. Is there a god when you don't have parents to love you? Is there a god when all you can think about is everything little bad thing that's happened to you? Is there a god when everyone you needed left?

To me, there isn't.

...

There was nothing special about church this time other than the fact that I was sitting with a family. As always, during the sermons and readings, I found a spot to stare and try to think about anything but being here, listening to what really felt like made-up stories and excuses for why the world is what it is. And when everyone would say certain phrases together, I'd look around and hope no one noticed that I hadn't said anything. 

The priest talked for what felt like forever, and interestingly, the entire Pierson family looked like they were actually paying attention. Except for Annetta. She was reading through the song book. I was a little jealous of her. I'm sure going through that was more interesting than being stuck inside my own head. 

When communion had begun, I didn't receive it. Instead, I sat in my spot, watching as my family went together. I quietly watched as people walked like robots, seeing if I'd notice anybody from school. My stomach fell when my eyes found the golden hair of the girl I currently had mixed feelings about.

Collie looked really pretty in her light blue dress that reached above her knees, a white shawl over her shoulders. Her hair was curled, a small piece of her bangs clipped to the side. She turned her head and we both stared at each other for a moment. A bright smile flitted across her face and she lifted a small hand, waving at me.

I didn't wave back. Instead, I looked away and sat up straighter, waiting for Melissa, Greg, and the girls to return to our pew. I noticed Collie's face fall as she was nudged by a tall boy behind her, whispering "What are you doing? Keep going."

Honestly, I felt awful. Words couldn't explain how hard it was for me to look away after she flashed me such a genuine and sweet smile. Collie looked beautiful, and I had to treat her as if I hadn't even noticed her existence.

When Ursanne had returned and sat next to me, she nudged my shoulder.

"Did you see her?"

I nodded slowly and glanced at Collie as she walked back to her pew on the right side of the church. "Yeah."

"Did she see you?"

I bowed my head. "Yes."

...