Wrecked

If only

Stupidity didn't ruin me.
Being a coward did.

I saw you as someone different from all the guys.
The fact that you're from a religious family just sets you apart from others.
I know, shallow.

I had trust in you ever since I knew the real you.
Or so I thought.
You're fun to be with. Considering all your senseless jokes, your sense of humor just turned me on.

Weeks passed and we got closer. Closer than we should've been.
You were there when I was breaking down.
Maybe you didn't give the advices I needed, but you did what you can.
You listened.

After everything, I couldn't help but fall for you.
Your presence made each day special.
Worth living.
Again, so I thought.

We felt the same way for each other but didn't have the courage to admit.
So I gathered all the courage I can get. I confessed.

As expected, we started our own story. Love story? I can't say.
We're too young to know what love is. But we knew one thing.
We're happy. Together.

But like all the stories told to us. It has it's ending. It may not be a happy ending, but I'm glad it ended.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciated everything you did for me.
The gifts. The expressions of feelings. Your time, availability. Name it.

But as days go by. Months, rather. You changed. I never knew the reason why. I tried to understand every single part of that change. Your change. But I couldn't bare the hurt that it was giving me. So I decided to go.

It wasn't a smart choice. Why would I leave someone who, obviously, is facing a rough situation? I felt worthless but what else can I do? I gave everything but I guess you never needed any part of my everything.

We stopped talking, chatting. We passed each other's glances but that's all it is. I learned to live without thinking about how you are doing. How you are holding up.

Then this day came. I don't exactly remember how it happened but I remember what happened.

Our seating arrangement was convenient. I finally had the chance to say hi. But it wasn't a single hi. You finally opened up to me.

Your life was going downhill. Your family was torn apart because of some woman. That's why.

I felt remorse. I wasn't there when you needed someone to hold on to. I was right. I am worthless.

I forgave you. For hurting me before. I understood your side and that was enough for me to completely move on.

We went back to being friends. Friends.

We did what normal friends do. Laugh and joke about things. I felt comfortable, again.

I knew you were back. And I also knew that this time, I had limits. But it was fine. It was enough.

It was a usual day. School, lessons, everything was usual. Again, so I thought.

It was the second to the last subject. This is when it happened. This is when that happened.

I felt your hands where I shouldn't feel it. You explored me. You caressed my body. I wasn't able to move. I wasn't able to think.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to slap you. I wanted to oppose to what you were doing. But I can't.

This doing of yours continued. For weeks.

For weeks I didn't know myself. For weeks I felt weak. For weeks I felt my body being owned by you. And those feelings ruined me.

It ruined me. Not just my respect for myself but me as a person, as a woman.

Relief was what I felt when the seating arrangement was changed. I felt free for a while.

But what you did haunted me. I kept dreaming about you and about that. I always see myself as a garbage. As usual, worthless.

I never felt happy ever again. I tried forgetting all about it. Forgiving you.

But I'm guessing there's no way out.

Just by looking at you, I feel my body tremble. I feel like breaking down. Whenever you go near me, I want to just scream to get the attention of everyone around. But I know that it will just put me to shame.

Tell me how will I forgive myself. Tell me how will I accept the fact that I let you get entitled with my own body. Tell me how will I forget everything.

Up to this day, I still feel wrecked. I know you see me laughing, as usual. But guess what? You broke me. YOU broke me.

I'm just wishing for one thing.

I hope you're not doing the same thing with your girl right now. Unless, she permits you to. Respect her.

Respect her because as a man, you are expected to do so. Even though you've proven you can't.

You're an experience I'll never forget. An experience I'll never open up to somebody. Because I know the judgements I'll get.

Maybe If I had courage to fight back, like how I confessed to you, like how I fought for you, maybe I didn't have to cry for help every night.

But then again, stupidity didn't ruin me.
Being a coward did.