Please... [PHAN]

Prolouge (Trigger Warning)

Dan
I'm looking enviously at the photos on Carrie's snapchat of the party I wasn't invited to. Not that I expected to be, nobody in year 9 gets invited to the year 11 parties. It just annoys me that my best friend goes to all these things with his other friends, and it's like he only wants me when there's nobody else. I guess that's what happens when you pour your heart out to someone older than you. He looks so happy, surrounded by his friends, Tyler, Joe, Carrie, Dodie... The list goes on. He'd be fine without me... Everyone would.

I'm really bad with jealousy. I don't cope. I just want to be someone's one and only, but everyone always needs somebody else. The thing is, once I trust someone, they get all of me. The panic attacks at 3am, the suicidal thoughts in the middle of the night, the terrors that wake me from my restless sleep. Once you're friends with me, that's what you get. All or nothing.

So when I care about someone, and I see them having fun with other people, without me, it makes me want to scream. Because why aren't I good enough? Why do I always have to arrange to meet up out of school? Why does nobody want me!?

He is my only friend in school. I have one other friend out of school, but he is my only friend at school. ONLY. Everyone else hates me. Because of my hair, because of my height, because of my personality. Every flaw I have is picked up on by Caspar and Evan. Every damn thing. It's as if they think I don't hate myself enough already. Believe me I do, I despise myself more than anyone else ever could.

Last year, I tried to overdose, and he made me promise not to do it again. He said he needed me, and he'd be lost without me. He promised he wasn't going to leave, but I can feel him slipping away from me all the time, getting further and further out of my grasp. The are tears streaming down my face because I want him to want me. I want him to be mine, nobody else's, just mine, because every part of me was his. He said he'd miss me.

But would he? Would be miss me, or would he be happy that he could finally get rid of the burden of a friend that he never wanted in the first place? Bless him, he's too nice to tell me to my face. Maybe I'd be doing him a favour if I just left.

There's a thing I do that he doesn't know. There's a thing I do that nobody knows about. I'm not proud that I do it, but I can't stop. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a huge fan of stationary. That isn't why I buy so many pencil sharpeners. Ask my scarred and cut thighs, they'll tell you why I buy them.

The blade is in my hand and I don't even think. It's second nature. Make it bleed until the physical pain distracts from the emotional torment in my brain. Why isn't it working? Why am I slashing away and nothing is changing. This is too much, I can't do this anymore, I don't want to be here.

I grab the bottle of pills that I'd been saving incase this happened. One: because he doesn't need me. Two: because my parents don't care. Three: because of Evan and Casper. Four: because I want to die. Twenty more: because why the hell not.

I start to feel dizzy about half an hour later. I send one text, to him, 'sorry, I couldn't be strong anymore xx'. And I am sorry, but now, I am freeing him.

Philip Lester deserves so much more than me.

Phil
'sorry, I couldn't be strong anymore xx' What is he on about? Joe puts his hand on my shoulder. "You alright mate?" He asks. I nod, but I'm not. I'm worried because last time I got a message like this, I nearly lost one of my best friends. Surely he wouldn't have tried again though? He promised me... I switch off my phone and pick up a bottle of WKD, attempting to drown the feeling of uneasiness in my stomach with alcohol.

About an hour later, I get a call from my mum. That's weird, she never rings me when I'm at parties... I answer the phone, and as soon as she starts to speak, my heart sinks. "It's Dan..." I knew. I knew immediately, I should have gone to him before but I talked myself out of it. She hasn't even finished the sentence and I'm running out of the door. I need to hug him, and tell him it'll be okay. I need to get to him.

"Phil honey, what are you doing?"
"I'm going to Dan's house! What do you think?!" I yell in a state of panic.
"Don't bother sweetheart, he's not there, you can see him tomorrow hopefully." She speaks softly.
"Where is he?" I'm scared.
"He's in the hospital having his stomach pumped. He took 24 sleeping pills according to him mum..." She broaches the subject cautiously, but it doesn't soften the blow.

I end the call, and fall to the ground. He's worth so much more, I should be a better friend! I'm useless.

Daniel Howell deserves so much more than me.

A-N: NEW BOOK!! I hope you enjoy... This might be really depressing but idk yet. Love you, and share this book around if you want xxx
Thanks,
Phangirlabi
xx