Suicidal Love

Thursday

∘〇♢〇∘

    Eventually, my mother came to pick me up and I had to leave. After apologizing to the nurse, I reluctantly said my goodbyes to my new boyfriend who I loved. I couldn't wait to tell Izzy all about it once I got home but I realized, as I thought about it, that I'd have to come out to my parents, especially since they were bound to question me about my swollen lips and my slightly sweaty hair. I looked down as I rode in the back seat, quiet, trying to stay as unnoticeable as possible, so that she'd hopefully not try to start a conversation. I knew I had to tell her about my sexuality and my boyfriend some day, but I just wasn't ready yet, and neither were they, as they were still the most close-minded people I knew. My efforts were in vain, however, not that I was surprised, there was little chance of her not trying to talk to me, considering that in her opinion, I should be mentally scarred for almost witnessing a suicide, as she later expressed, "Alec, I just want you to know that you can talk to me and that if there's anything you want to ask me about depression or self-harm, I'm happy to answer for you.", her voice sounded caring but I knew that it wouldn't remain that way for long. I knew what direction this conversation was going and I tried to cut it off with a hum of acknowledgement. My attempts were again in vain as she persisted that I was not feeling good emotionally and she was partly correct because I wasn't feeling anything good about this conversation other than the little flashbacks I got when I thought of Magnus. "I'm really fine, mom.", I replied, tone weak yet agitated. "Alec, I don't want to start an argument with you, especially now, but I know that there is no way that you weren't negatively affected by this encounter.". She used professional-sounding words, but she's no psychiatrist and she had no idea how I felt. "Then stop arguing!", I yelled, angry at her constant pestering. "Just please leave me alone."

    A sigh escaped her lips and she replied, in a calm, almost monotone voice, "I suppose you just need some time to think this through.", before returning her full attention to the road.

∘〇♢〇∘

    Once I was finally home, I raced to my room, where my backpack awaited me, neatly sitting atop my bed. After all the chaos at school, the principal let me take off a couple days and sent my backpack home with Izzy as well as my homework. This occurred yesterday, though, and she was currently still at school. I wondered why mom hadn't taken me home before nightfall yesterday and that's when I remembered how hard I fought against her when she arrived to do so, me insisting on staying with Magnus. My forgetfulness helped me to realize just how tired I really was, and collapsing onto my bed after setting my backpack on the ground next to me, I fell into a deep sleep.

    I awoke to Izzy poking me. She had obviously just gotten home from school as she hadn't even bothered to take off her backpack yet. "Izzy, I'm tired.", Is all I could manage, mumbling quietly. "Alec, you need to tell me everything that happened yesterday!", he voice was serious yet excited, "I heard you saved a kid from suicide!". She said this like it was the best thing ever, but the reality is, that hundreds of teens commit suicide everyday and me saving Magnus didn't even make a dent. It was at that moment that I realized what I wanted to do with my life, in honor of my first love... save teens like me from committing suicide with innovative ideas and a dedicated team aiding me in my efforts. My daydreaming was cut short, however, when Izzy persisted in making me talk.

    With a sigh, I complied, "The guy I saved was my crush. I found a ladder and used it to climb onto a fire escape thing that I used to get myself high enough to pull myself up onto the roof.", I paused, just now registering what I had done in the heat of the moment. "... Then I pulled him off the ledge and laid him down where he was safe, a few feet from the ledge.", emotion poured through me as I recalled the look in his eyes before he broke out into a seizure, "Then, he had a seizure and I waited until the emergency services came. I wouldn't let go of his hand....", I said that last part quietly, remembering everything... including my utter panic and fear. A single tear ran down my cheek, (I was sitting upright now.), and I didn't have a chance to wipe it away before Izzy saw, so I just let it and the others that followed, fall. It was all I could do not to break out in sobs, imagining my sweet Magnus hurt and afraid. "Oh, Alec...", Izzy replied sympathetically. Usually I would have told her not to be sorry for me, that it only made me feel worse, but for some reason, I had no emotional response to it at all, and therefore, I let it slide. I wanted to be alone with my feelings but at the same time, all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on and I felt a lump rise in my throat. "I love him so much.", I cried, breaking out into sobs. Apparently all it takes is for you to open your mouth to cause a wave of sadness to break through your cover. She stroked my hair and chanted, "I know you do.", her voice soft and full of love and admiration for her big brother.