Lost

+ So my friend, tell me, how to deal with a broken heart?

- Do everything and anything you can do and let the time heal it.

***

You put down the book you've been reading since morning with a sigh. This was the second book you read today. This didn't work, you said to yourself. You opened your arms wide, eyes staring at nothing but the ceiling.

This hurts.

Your eyes felt so heavy since you haven't had enough sleep for the past few days, but forcing yourself to stay up. Thinking to get some coffee but you were too weak to get up this time.

You honestly didn't know why you did this to yourself. But sleep was the last thing you really wanted to do. Not to mention those dreams you had, awful. It's not that you were afraid of those dreams, but the feeling when you woke up to the same dream for days, was killing you.

It's her again. Six months, isn't it?

You even asked yourself because you've lost count of how long it has been since she left you all alone.

I think it's been six months.

Six months and she still came to your dream every night, haunting you.

Six months and she was still your 2 am thoughts.

Six months and she was still the one you think about every time you wake up.

Six months of suffer.

Six months of pain.

Meditation didn't work too. You tried that for three months after she left in order to control your thoughts and emotions. But no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't.

For six months also you've been going to some bars, getting drunk and high. You thought alcohol and drugs would help you to forget the past. Hanging out with some friends and sometimes strangers, telling them over and over again about the same stuff under your consciousness. Telling them how much you loved her and wanted her back, your dreams and happy ending with her that would never happen. You didn't even care if they were sick and tired of your love life story. You just wanted to get it out of your chest. Sometimes you found yourself crying all alone in restroom bar.

But no, my friend. Those things didn't work too.

There were also some days you told yourself everything was fine. Telling yourself and your friends a lie that you were better, that your life was okay and you were doing great.

You also thought that would help, but again, it didn't. It only made it worse. Faking a smile hurt you more than anything.

The craziest thing you did was believe in some voodoo and spiritual shit, thinking that it could mend your broken heart. That was rather stupid, wasn't it? Remember when you told people that those things were fake and people who believe it were dumb? Look who's talking now.

But yeah, I'm dumb though..

You thought the worst was a broken heart, but no. The truth was the worst. The fact that she wouldn't come back to you hurt you so much. But you were still there; you were still waiting for her patiently, thinking that you might still have a chance. Waiting wasn't your favourite, but for her you would do it.

You were so madly in love with her, weren't you? So that's why you did these to yourself. Am I right?

Why?

Why don't you just stop and give up?

Yes, why?

That question would never get an answer from you. Even you, yourself, didn't know what the answer was.

You clicked your tongue in annoyance, forcing yourself get up from your comfy bed. You were thinking to grab some coffee before you go to meet your friends as you promised. Yeah, you've been hanging out with your friends more, doing some business shit and throwing parties. This was the last thing you could do and you really hoped that it would work this time.

Everything's fine, you thought.

Yes it was, until you saw her sitting with someone else when you walked into the coffee shop. They were laughing and holding hands.

That day, your heart was breaking into pieces, not into two anymore.

That day, the thoughts that you already fixed yourself was gone.

That day, was the day that you finally admit you really fucked up.

That day, was the day when you knew you lost her. Completely.