Book Critiques

Chapter 2

Note: After some thinking, I am going to change the style of my critiques. I will be focusing more on the overall chapter rather than go into depth with grammar.

This review should be quick:

1) You used a lot of dialogue and explanation—which is good—but you need to include more description. You should definitely try metaphors and similies.

2) You also need to be careful with dialogue tags. I know we were always taught not to use 'said' but readers are so used to this word that we automatically skip it. Other tags however, catch our eye and break up the text. Use 'said' every time except for the odd occasion or two.

3) Also, I think you need a question mark after what:

"What," she answered, obviously annoyed.

4) Additionally, I noticed that this was in italics:

Ambrosia pondered over whether or not she should.

Is there a reason behind this? While I'm at it, this sentence could be clearer because we don't know what she should or should not do.

Try:

Ambrosia pondered over whether or not she should let him sit beside her

5) You need to 'tell' less". You do a bit too much of this. For example:

'Well, I like to play sports, but I only enjoy watching a game off-screen. While I don't mind getting dirty and playing rough, I like make-up, manicures, and having my hair done as well. I hate having messy hair. I like dressing up, but I prefer comfort. I'd choose sweatpants over jeans any day. Sneakers are my life. Sometimes, I like to go shopping, but usually I hate it," she clarified, babbling.'

Unless this passage needs to be included to show that she is a chatterbox, then you should not use it. Instead, subtly describe earlier on how she put on makeup or went to get a manicure or how she loves sport ect.

6) 'As if to clarify himself, Callum continued'

You should merge this line with the following paragraph and add a comma after 'continued'.

7) I think your chapter needs a bit of ' reality dust' . Where are Amborsia's parents? Would they notice if things got heated between her and her brother? Would most people lift someone else's chin if they just met them? (this is a really personal move, but then again, this might be telling us something about Demetri. Do all boys ask a girl's brother for permission to date? Ect, ect.

Ok, this review was a little longer than I expected. Anyway, in summary, this chapter was good but has room for improvement. That said, you did well, especially with portraying the personalities of each character and establishing how they communicate with one-another. Love the last sentence--makes me curious. 

Hope this was helpful

-AP