The Two Sides of Alec

Human

Dear Alexander Lightwood,

I believed I had told you to start taking better care of yourself and to do it for Isabelle and Jace's sakes. Though I've been informed that you're eating and sleeping, that only covers the physical aspect of taking care of yourself, not the mental. How do you expect to get over me if you're locked inside your tiny room in the Institute all day long? You need to get out more. It'll hurt at first, but you're a Shadowhunter, born and bred to endure pain. Go and be a good brother, go on demon hunts, get back into a daily routine. Moping isn't good for you, you know. In fact, you should have Isabelle and Jace take you to a club tonight. Maybe you'll find someone new to put the pieces of your heart back together. You don't get over someone by avoiding them, only by finding a new love. Go live the perfect little life you had before I waltzed into the picture, just stop being so depressed.

-The High Warlock of Brooklyn, Magnus Bane

Alec couldn't believe the words as he read them. Magnus Bane, the Magnus Bane who he knew still loved him, was asking him to find someone else? Did he really expect Alec to move on so quickly? As if this hadn't actually hurt him? As if he wasn't scarred? Maybe it was because Magnus already HAD moved on. Maybe the hinted concern behind the words in the letters really was just Alec's imagination.

Well, if Magnus was asking him to slap on a smile and brave the outside world, he'd do it. He'd put up the most convincing show ever played, because his warlock asked.

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

Alec had tried his hardest. He'd given it all he had, putting up an act for all his friends and family. Sure, maybe they could tell something was off, but that didn't mean he needed to stop. He kept going, for Magnus, and no one else. He could do it, he could do it, he could do it. At least, that's what he told himself.

But if he was being truthful with himself, he could sense all the little cracks, all the splinters in his heart and soul, all the faults in his façade. After all, he was only human wasn't he? Just some stupid little mortal.

It didn't matter how much Magnus and his friends and family encouraged him to keep up the act. It didn't matter what anyone said---or wrote---to him. It didn't matter what other people thought, or what other people told him. All that mattered was the cold hard truth. He was only human, and he was bound to break down and crash at any moment.

Magnus had given him all the motivation he needed, and yet it wasn't enough. Every day, the warlock's words echoed in his head, telling him to sit up straighter, train harder, smile more convincingly, stop hiding in the corners, keep eating and drinking, keep that broken heart pumping. Each one was like a little stab, they hurt him more than any real wound because he knew that he wasn't good enough. He knew that he'd never be good enough, so it only made sense that Magnus had left him.

What would a warlock want with a human anyways?

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

He was expecting it, and it came. Another letter from his warlock.

Dear Alexander Lightwood,

I know you're struggling. Honestly, I expected you to be past this by now. The world is full of people who would love to have a chance to be with you, Alexander, so count your blessings. Just flip that switch deep inside your heart, and give the light of love back to your eyes. There's no sense in guarding that switch like you do now-a-days. If you're going to hold the weight of the world on your shoulders, at least let someone else help you carry the burden. And another thing, stop wallowing in sorrow and getting distracted during demon fights. If you keep that up, you'll end up hurting yourself and I don't think your parents will be able to afford me. Take care, do your best to stay strong.

-The High Warlock of Brooklyn, Magnus Bane

This letter was both hopeful, and heartbreaking. It seemed as though Magnus had doubted Alec's love for him all along. He didn't think it would hurt him that much for that long if they broke apart. And count his blessings? Really? There were absolutely none to count. None, at all. If anything, he should be counting his sins and injustices. Then Magnus had to go and act as if he was concerned with Alec's safety, but then acted as though he wouldn't care if he was injured enough to help him. That hurt, that he wouldn't heal Alec if it was needed. As if he was another Shadowhunter, one in a million, maybe the one that he hated. However, the last line let that damned emotion leak back into his heart. Hope. Magnus told him to stay strong, as if he truly cared, even if his earlier words suggested otherwise. UGH! Alec didn't understand this game the warlock was playing with his head. It seemed he was trying to break his heart into even smaller bits, one by one as each new sentence brought hope, then dashed it away.

Well, it didn't matter whether the warlock was trying to help or hurt him. If he asked, Alec did it. Alec would be a good little robot, following orders like a mindless slave (if only it were true, he would feel no heartache then).

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

He could do it, he WOULD do it, for his warlock. His warlock who liked to play games with his fragile, mortal heart. His warlock who jerked his heart around so much, he was surprised it still beat. His warlock who he loved so much it hurt, but not that it mattered either way.

I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
'Till I've had enough

'Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

In the end, no matter how many times he read Magnus's words of encouragement, it wasn't enough. No matter how many times he tried to convince himself to act normal, he couldn't. No matter how many times he told himself, "Just one more day, just one more day," it never lasted.

Alec could only take so much. His heart had lasted a long time, it'd been through quite a rough time, but he'd had enough. He was sick of it all. He was sick of the hurting, the pain, the torment, the torture he was enduring only because his old love had asked him to do it. Why should he listen to the warlock, who played games by way of words, even after all the pain he'd already cause the Shadowhunter? Why should he listen to the warlock, who stabbed him in the heart with every thought, which was always? Why should he listen to the warlock, who built him up, foreseeing that it was inevitable, that he'd fall down to the ground some day or another?

He was human, and it was time for him to go through what all humans did at one point or another. The ultimate end, the one to cut of all pain and feeling forever. It would heal his heart, then lock it away so it could never be touched again. Then he'd be free at last, free to give up his pointless charade.

It was time to let go.

~*~*~*~*

Disclaimer: I don't own Alec and Magnus (and Izzy and Jace), Cassie Clare does! (Though I would pay a heck of a lot to own Magnus and Alec)

I also don't own "Human," that is Christina Perri's song! I only wish I could write such beautiful, yet sad, malec-reminding music.