Embers

Come as you are, as you were

As I want you to be

As a friend, as a friend

As an old enemy

-Nirvana, Come as you are

It's the middle of November and it's the time when autumn is about to end and people are waiting for the first snow. Everything becomes less brown and just greyer and the days just keep getting colder and colder until your teeth chatter and you curse Minnesota more times than you can count.

You love the sun and the heat and the rough sand on your skin. You were born and bred in California and everything about you speaks of the place with your tanned skin and blonde hair. The only things missing are a couple of implants and you could be an extra on 90210.

Then again, Minnesota has left its mark on you and your paler now, your hair darker. It just makes you hate the place even more.

It's in the middle of the night and you're sitting on the sidewalk outside the convenience store because your mom sent you out for milk and now a plastic bag in your hand later, you don't really feel like going home. You're just masochistic really, sitting out there in the cold with only that ratty old coat to keep you warm.

Luckily, you'd die of hyperthermia or something and finally escape this little frozen hellhole.

You don't notice him exit the convenience store until he stops just a few feet from you and fishes out one of his cigarettes. You stare up at him in surprise, it's been a while since you bothered to even look at him ever since he left you high and dry to die all those weeks ago and you notice the small changes in his appearance. His dark hair is longer and he didn't bother to shave, if possible he looks even more unkempt as if he didn't bother to try to look like he was part of modern civilization anymore.

You inwardly just rolled your eyes at that. Typical Cole, he never changed.

When he finally notices you, he almost drops his cigarette. "Ashleigh! What are you doing here?"

You bite your tongue to stop that bitter reply from coming out. You're still a little sore from what he did to you and you're a teenage girl, you're allowed to hold grudges. You simply don't reply and give him one of your signature bored looks.

He stares down at you with those big green eyes of his for a full minute as if you're a creature that just popped out of nowhere come to scare the shit out of him before he snaps out of it and he offers to drive you home. You accept because it was cold and…well, it was cold.

His car is just as warm as you remember and he turns the heat even higher when you ask him to. The car still smells like cheeseburgers and socks and boy-who-can't-bother-to-clean-out-his-car-every-once-in-a-while. It doesn't matter after months of exposure to it, you're practically immune.

He lights his cigarette and doesn't even bother to open the window, you're lungs are met with smoke and ash and it's like déjà vu when you remember the times the two of you would just hang out in his car for hours doing nothing but smoke and talk.

He hands you the cigarette and you take it without hesitation. You only really smoked when you were with Cole and so it's been weeks since you inhaled nicotine but your body welcomes the toxic chemicals like an old friend and you're inwardly comforted with the warmth it brings.

You hand it back to him and he takes another long drag, making those little smoke circles that amused you so when you guys first met. He tried to teach you but you never really caught on.

"Aren't you going to drive?" You ask after a while and he rolls his eyes at you before complying.

The drive to your house is silent. He doesn't bother to turn on the radio and every second you're assaulted with images of you together in this car with him telling you about his asshole dad and you complaining about your bitch of a mom, the times you made out in the back seat, and the moments where you argued over the smallest of things.

It doesn't really make you cry, you've cried enough for Cole to last a lifetime but it did make you sad. You know that feeling where you heart aches and it's hard to breathe.

It just made you smoke more.

He stops the car right outside your house and you stare at your bedroom window and remember all the times he would wait outside and throw pebbles at your window until you climb down the tree so he could take you somewhere. It would always be around this time, a time where your parents obviously didn't know and you happily preferred it that way.

You don't make a move to get out. You tell yourself because you enjoyed the heat of the car too much to go out in the cold again. But you know you're just lying to yourself.

You have to really be a masochist. Here you are sitting in the car and sharing a smoke with the boy who broke your heart into tiny little pieces and you still won't make things easier for yourself and just get out.

It's a sad feeling you know when you miss someone you're not supposed to. But it's human nature and we can't help ourselves when we make the same mistakes all over again and you find yourself in such a state you can barely function anymore. It's just sad, really tragic.

You take one more long drag before you hand it back to him and you exit the car gracelessly and too quickly to be polite. The cold assaults you at once and you let out a lungful of smoke and watch it linger in front of your eyes before disappearing.

"Ash!" Cole calls out your name and you turn around and see those big green eyes of him just…not pleading but it is familiar. It's the same look you've been giving yourself in the mirror for weeks.

A part of you breaks and you want to get back into the car and do something stupid and kiss him but another part of you just freezes, like water solidifying in the cold, and you just shake your head.

"Goodbye, Cole." Then you turn around and start walking towards your bedroom so you could climb the tree and snuggle under your sheets and pretend all this never happened.

Cole's car starts driving away and you spare a glance back to see him flick out his cigarette, the embers glowing like a firefly.

You still feel cold.