When I Leave

Cleaning Duty and Pavel

"We need brooms, mops, and floor cleaner." I repeated to myself. He nodded and we began to grab things. I went to the far side of the room to get the brooms and mops as Fergus got the floor cleaner and new buckets.

I was deep in my own mind when I almost bumped into him. "Oops." I said, looking up at him. He smiled. We were only inches apart.

My body was frozen in place, and my heart was racing.

MOVE BEFORE HE GETS THE WRONG IDEA.

He bit his lip, "Do you fancy Alfie?" He asked.

My heart was racing so fast I thought it might burst through my chest and run away.

"Of course not." I managed a laugh as I exhaled.

"Really?"

"Yeah." I said quietly, willing him to step back. I couldn't move. He smiled again but was looking right into my eyes, and I looked away first because I was getting really frightened of where this was headed.

JUST TELL HIM TO BACK OFF.

I cleared my throat to prepare for the optimum sweet tone as I was about to tell him to please back the hell away from me because this is weird and I'm not about to kiss you.

"Fergus." I started, choosing my words carefully.

Then he kissed me.

My eyes closed and my mind went blank, and I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was I was going to say. That happens sometimes, especially in situations like these.

My hand instinctively went to the back of his neck where his soft, dirty blonde curls were.

Then my mind kick started back on.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I moved my hand from his face to his chest and pushed him away. He stumbled back, his face flashing from perplexed to embarrassed in five seconds flat.

He remembered that his hands were on my waist and took them away.

I covered my mouth and took a step back.

We were both leaning on the walls opposite each other. I squeezed my eyes shut as my mind flooded my body.

YOU SLUT! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG YOUR DAD'S BEEN DEAD? DO YOU? ALMOST THREE MONTHS! YOU ARE A DISGUSTING PIG I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD S-

"Alice?" Fergus made me open my eyes, "I'm sorry." He said. I shook my head. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let you think-" I cut myself off and put my hand over my mouth again, too shaken to talk. He didn't move any closer. "Is there any way we can still be friends?" He asked, his voice full of regret.

NO.

My shaky hand moved to my side. "Of course." I said.

NO!

I stuck out my hand and he walked over and shook it. "Friends." He said, a hint of disappointment in his voice. I took a deep breath and decided to deal with myself later.

"They'll be wondering where we are." I tried to say lightly as I picked up the brooms and mops that I hadn't realized I'd dropped mid-kiss.

"Yeah." He said vacantly, picking up his supplies and leaning on the door to open it for me. I smiled thinly as I went past, hoping that Isis didn't find me suspicious when I got back- I wondered if she could smell Fergus on me- whatever that meant.

She did.

I didn't realize it at first, she acted totally normal as we cleaned the kitchen, put the supplies back, had dinner, as we welcomed a foggy Patty back and got her into bed with her fresh covers.

I put my hair into a bun and turned a lamp on to read as Patty stayed snuggled in her covers. "Hospitals smell well manky." She yawned. I smiled. Isis kept sketching.

It was 10 minutes to lights out when Isis put her sketch book under her bed and looked at me. I looked back at her, stuffing my book under my bed.

"You sure spent a while in the cleaning closet." She said.

My stomach sunk.

"It was only five minutes I think." I said as casually as possible. Isis nodded slowly, sarcastically. Pouting her lip out dramatically.

"Yeah, but you were only getting a few bits, should've taken you less than a minute." She replied. I shrugged and began inspecting my nails. They were pretty bad so I stopped inspecting them.

"What were you and Fergus doing in the cleaning closet for four minutes?"

"Why do you care?" I hoped I could shame her into not asking.

"Why do I care?" Isis repeated with a menacing chuckle, "I care, Alice, because I had to listen to that Pavel kid drone on in half Russian half gibberish for four minutes while you were in the closet snogging Fergus!"

"What!" Patty was magically awake now, and my eyes widened. "You kissed Fergus?"

"No!" I shouted.

Isis crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows. Patty stared at me, gaping.

"He kissed me, I didn't kiss him." I said defensively. It was a long shot.

LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.

Isis rolled her eyes, and crossed her legs. "Right, yeah I'm sure that was a horrible two minute, one sided kiss for you, but would you mind leaving it out in the woods from now on?" She got under the covers and turned her lamp off.

"I've never kissed him before." I don't know why I was letting her get to me. She didn't respond. "Isis!" I hissed, "I've never bloody kissed him before!"

I looked at Patty, who let her head rest back on her pillow.

"I promise." I told her.

"I like Fergus." She yawned and closed her eyes.

Heels clicked to our door and Miss Sadie told me lights out. I turned off the lamp, got under the covers and lay down.

IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.

YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON EVER TO BE ALIVE.

I squeezed my eyes shut and wrapped myself in a ball as my emotions over crowded by my mind.

You see, if my thoughts hadn't been harassing me so much that night, I would probably have been smiling uncontrollably and thinking about how amazing that kiss was.

That's one big 'if' though, because I didn't stop bullying myself until morning.