falling in love was never easy, not for a second in time. what was easy was knowing who it is i wanted to devote my heart to, knowing or unknowingly lending my heart, an organ, a vital organ to someone e l s e. and "why him?" i asked myself more than ample to understand what i was doing. i dove in head first, freezing, became a glacier. to him at least, at least that's how he seen me. you know when you see someone for who they can be? but they're not being true to themselves? thats what i was stuck in. like a time lapse of wanting someone to better themselves even if it hurts me. i gave all i could offer, still never being enough. when i met that one person i could do anything with, i couldn't believe it. when he asked me to carve alone into him, i just couldn't understand. it was the most precious experience. he was so unsteady, like a wave, beautiful... but sometimes they can really knock you over, and drown you... there was water in my lungs for months, he wouldn't resuscitate me, he watched me slowly lose all the air keeping me alive. and he'd laugh. but his fucking smile, made everything better as if it gave me just enough will to want to keep at this lousy relationship. he was so beautiful, and he knew everything i wanted to hear. he would lie straight to my face and i'd believe him every time because i loved every inch of him. it wasn't his fault, it isn't his fault because i did believe him.... i was pretending it was all i needed. i was slowly diminishing. couldn't eat, sleep, think, everything was "i have to please him," "dont say anything that'll get him mad," "is he happy?" "im scared to say ____," just to be treated like nothing. but again, it was i, who led myself to believe he was indeed perfect. see perfect may not mean the same to you as it does to me- let me clarify. perfect (for me at least) is when i can look into your eyes and feel comfortable enough to break down into nothing but tears and scream about how messed up life is, it's a voice i can answer to in any mood because regardless it sounds like angels humming, it's also sharing the same unfortunate mishaps in early childhoods and being able to share food, perfect is having eyes i can get lost in for days and not even mind if no one came looking for me, it's looking at someone knowing they're fucked up and still trying to cope with them because its love and you do the same shit, and he was perfect in my eyes, still is. i can also tell he's perfect for me because i cannot fall in love with another guy, for anything my life is stuck its on a pause every time i try to replace anything we did it doesn't work it feels unnatural, unrealistic. we both just fell out and how? how? we were so close, we dealt the cards just to not play? you and i D I D T H I N G S U N I M A G I N A B L E for nothing? all to be strangers, all to hold grudges just because we're mad we can't be together anymore. it's childish. and dumb for me to say but i'm in fucking love with someone who almost killed me. and it made me love him more. someone slap me and shut my masochistic ass the fuck up.
.enola eb ot em evael
i shouldn't cry about things i can't change.
— gwa
