One Geek to Rule Them All

Tears and Fears

"During my mania, I feel like a god. I feel like I can do anything. It's like I'm invincible and nothing can touch me. I can't explain it, but when the mania burns out I've got nothing left—without the highs of mania, I wouldn't be able to tolerate the lows of depression." She suddenly went very quiet. "I can't talk about this anymore. Can you take over for the rest?" she asked Devin.

"Sure, but... will you be alright?" Devin asked, concerned when she recognized the tension in her friend's smile. She was surprised that her mood seemed to be already changing again. They usually lasted several hours before fading into the next.

"I'm always alright," Kitty said, hopping up to make her retreat. "I'm just tired of talking. It's all coming out rapid-fire today—so I think I'm gonna go sing!" And before anyone could stop her, she skipped off belting out the lyrics to Let It Go from Disney's Frozen at the top of her lungs.

"Right," said Merry. "I take it that's an example of this 'mania'?"

"The tail-end of it," Devin replied with a wan smile, hoping her friend wouldn't crash too hard. "It's really hard for Kitty to talk about her illness. I don't think even she completely understands it. She can usually only manage it while she's manic; it's too painful otherwise. When she first started therapy two years ago, she had me come with her to some appointments so the doctor could explain what was going on to me instead. But she has told me that when she's depressed, she prefers to be left alone. It's not that she wants to be by herself; she wants everyone else to disappear, because she just can't handle being around them. She doesn't want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. She said it feels like no matter what she does, people are telling her she's doing something wrong; so the easiest way to feel better is to hide.

"For her seeing other people carrying on living happy lives is an annoying reminder of her illness and how she'll never have that kind of stability. What's worse is hearing all the people she 'entertained' while in her mania talk about how quiet she is and that she isn't entertaining anymore. Do they try to cheer her up, or do something to make her laugh? No. They just want their clown back. It annoys Kitty, and it makes me angry.

"No matter what it is—music, hanging out with friends, playing games—she doesn't enjoy things because the smallest details irritate her. If I and our other friends invite her out, she'll start imagining waiting for the bus, being crammed against angry people, waiting in lines, and every negative thing that could possibly happen to her along the way. She'll think of every possible downside of something, which leaves her dreading the idea of doing anything. When she thinks about the future, she doesn't like what she sees. She can only envision more troubles, endless work, and an endless string of letdowns. Everything scares her."

Devin clenched her hands into fists. Kitty had had suicidal thoughts before. She even admitted that she had caught herself unconsciously attempting to harm herself the day she finally convinced her to get help. But Devin knew that was off-limits. Kitty would never forgive her if she told them that without her permission. She blinked away the tears that threatened to form in her eyes. "But she also said the more she understands the problem, the more she knows that the depression is temporary, and that she doesn't always think clearly during it. Sometimes she needs a little extra help, but that simple reminder can help keep her from doing anything stupid."

There was a deep and heavy silence. "And she has no control it?" asked Frodo.

"No. Believe me," said Devin, "if she could stop it, she would. Enduring this unending cycle of ever-changing emotions is very hard on her. She does have days where she feels almost normal, but they're few and far between." Devin had firsthand experience with depression brought on by grief: that horrible numbness that made you actually miss the pain; but she knew it was nothing compared to the roller coaster of suffering that Kitty was trapped on. Knowing how much pain it had brought her simply looking back through her steady despondency at the happiness she had before, it wasn't hard for Devin to imagine how terrifying it would be for Kitty to never know when the same would happen to her, completely at random and for no reason at all. The others tried to understand how it would feel to be afflicted so, but many of their thoughts and imaginings fell woefully short. Frodo, who had a small taste of it under the influence of the Ring, came the closest.