The Angels' Keeper

A Ride Through the Desert

My fathers gave me everything I could ask for.

And I asked for a lot. They gave me a home, food and a family. They gave me courage and support, even when I was ashamed of my own self. Together, they gave me the gift of magic and knowledge. Whatever I wanted to know, my fathers would tell me. I was very happy.

My fathers gave me more than I realized. 

For many nights, I often wondered if my fathers knew what they were doing. What fears they must think when I was not around, or what thoughts plagued their minds when I said something wrong. Now, older, I think about it a lot. It's like a lullaby I can't turn off.

I always go to sleep thinking of them. Sometimes, I wonder if I imagined them. I was so little when I got lost and I had no idea that the desert got cold at night. Everyone always spoke about it getting hot. But that's where I got lost as a little girl: in the desert with the sun beginning to shy away from the horizon. It scorched the Earth well, the heat still alive. 

I remember being hot, after the shock, and taking off my sweater. I remember being cold and thinking my sweater wasn't enough. I remember crying behind the gas station, which is what I found after an hour walking through the desert. First, I cried out of happiness and then I cried because I was still lost.

There wasn't a number I could call. I said, my fathers gave me the gift of magic, and that was true. A house of magic does not have a phone number and I couldn't enchant the phone to call them either. Instead. at 8 years old, I hid behind the gas station and sat on the curb. When the sun finally disappeared and the moon came up, was when the fear began to settle in again. 

I had never heard a coyote howl and it scared me. I remember moving over to sit closer to the light. No one noticed me for a long while. I think I fell asleep, tired from crying and walking. Now, I think myself lucky no one had seen me. An 8 year old child in the middle of nowhere and I'm truly surprised no one stole me away. 

In a sense, I guess you could say he stole me. He was warm, even from afar away and he was quiet. He squatted down, cigarette in his mouth and he said something to me. Half asleep, I didn't have the energy to fight back, nor the energy to get scared again. But then, I saw his necklace and almost cried of joy. Because he wasn't just any man. He knew magic.

On his necklace, there inscribed was the rune of fire. I cried the words fire over and over again, and the man moved to hush me. I cried into his arms, coming apart from my hours of being alone.

My fathers gave me the gift of magic, love and courage. And so did he.

...

Ryuu is the name of the man with the fire rune necklace. And yes, he did steal me away that night and gave me food. My home became his bike, my bed was often either the space between his chest and bike or the various houses or hotels we stayed at. I was never cold again, but I often couldn't share the covers with him.

Change began the more time I spent away from home. My name began to fade away too, since he always called me Kaida. Slowly, we became family. I learned his quirks, his likes and dislikes, when to stay quiet and when to scream. I learned how to steal and how to sweet-talk people. I learned magic when my fathers wouldn't teach me. Only the theory for now, they used to say, then you'll know the rest later. And the power of runes. My fathers became thoughts of the past, and now it became surviving with Ryuu.

And whenever he asked me what I was doing in the desert, I couldn't say. My mouth never moved, the words stuck in my throat. He began to stop asking, letting it go and focus more on us.

When I was a child, I used to call Ryuu my father. When I was a teen, I used to call Ryuu my brother.

That's how it's been since I was 8, and I often think of my fathers. Especially when Ryuu leaves me to wait for him while he shops and flirts shamelessly with the cashier while I wait in the sun. I said, I used to call Ryuu my father. Now, I tell people he's an annoying dog who likes to eat my food when he thinks I'm not looking.

Tomorrow is my 18th birthday and I am doubting that this excursion he has brought me to has any relevance to that. He is crafty and I've never seen him actually buy any of my birthday or christmas presents ever. If we're in Canada, then I never see the boxing days one too. Instead, I think he's buying something for his friend in Oregon whose bed sheets smell like a potion gone bad. Coincidentally, he had something to do during our last trip so he couldn't sleep over her house that night but I could.

Typical Ryuu. At this point, I'm beginning to send daggers his way with my eyes. He doesn't falter but the cashier does and manages to give a quick peek to me before she remembers Ryuu in front of her. I roll my eyes because that's also typical.

I'm tired of the sun and I decide to walk away. There's no need to stay here anymore unless I want to resemble melted wax. I walk down the avenue, very aimlessly and without a destination. It's when I get to the crosswalk is when I see him.

Suddenly I am 8 again and it is my birthday party. He hugs me, tells me happy birthday and we run together across the field of flowers. He was my best friend, my confidant and my partner in crime. He looked at me like equals when I obviously was not like the other children. He has no wings and that doesn't stop me from being so dead certain it's him. My memory ends and I'm still watching him walk. The same splash of freckles and his slanted smile are still the same. I am glued to the sidewalk as I watch him walk across the street. He is talking to a girl next to him, her hair cropped and light blue and she's smiling back at him. Suddenly, it was hurts and I can't breathe and I catch a look at her. I know her or I used to know her, but she thought we were dumb. That we were losers. But he's smiling at her and I don't know why. Suddenly, I am 8 again and it all hurts.

They go across a corner and I hear the faint sound of magic as they disappear. They both have wings that by now, those wings can have them soar far and far away. There would be no difference between back then and now. I'd still be on the ground, stuck to it with no wings of my own. 

I need to sit and I walk across the street again. I don't remember how I made it to a Starbucks but here I was, somehow with a hot chocolate and a scone I think the barista gave me for free. I must've looked like a mess because she comes over later and tells me it'll be okay and to just eat. She tries to console me and I muster a, "saw someone I used to know" and she gives me a face like she understands how I feel.

I sit there for an hour. The scone already gone and my hot chocolate has gone cold. The barista isn't there anymore, I'm certain she's clocked out and gone home. Instead, I am here alone and cold again and I don't know where Ryuu is. It's the early evening and everyone around me is on their computers or phones, ignoring the rest of the world. I feel even more alienated and finally get the courage to get out of here.

When I step outside, I tell myself not to look up into the sky. Maybe I won't see the familiar view of my fathers' house hiding in the clouds by magic. I make it 30 seconds down the sidewalk when I look up.

The disappointment hurts me more than it should.