Late Night Thoughts of you

His smile

The first time I have sex I want to be high. I want to be high as the birds that fly In the sky and never come down. Because I was always the nervous type the overthinker so when I did it for the first time I didn't want to think. But once I do come down inevitably I will feel all the weight of the world on my weary little mind that can barely withstand the unessecairy things such as why god would ever care about humans. But I want it to be with some one that I'll have a future even if it's a future of another month, week or days. I say this because I want it to happen again and again and I want to be sober the second time and from then on I want them to tell me how adorably nervous I had been and say how I shouldn't have I want the to care. So I imagined walking into his room and he shuts the door behind us I fidget with my fingers and sit on his bed nervously looking at the flannel blanket on his bed that is nicely tucked. Now I have no idea what blankets he had actually been but I had imagined him to have flannel ones that had matched his pajamas that I had seen him wear once. He goes to the table and rolls the blunts as my nerves only counties to grow

"I'm surprised you remembered," he said still rolling them

"I told you I was going to hold you to it" I said trying not to show my nerviness in my voice he chuckles and turns around with a blunt

" I should have known" he smiles and sits on the chair parallel to the bed where his computer was for some odd reason he was wearing those flannel pants today in the middle of the day when he was having company

"Are you ready?" he said

"I was born ready," I said trying to sound cool as if I wasn't ready to shit my pants for multiple reasons one being that I was about to get high for the first time

Two for being with him in his room alone and three for not having anyone else there to stop me. He passes me the blunt

"Well would you like to do the honors?" he said ready to light it up like it was a birthday candle

"Of course" all I could think of in the moment was about how generic that response was or how generic it all had been as if our personalities had been bought at a half off whole sale. I held the blunt and brought it to my lips as if it was a cigarette he flickered the lighters fire in his hand and covered it and I leaned in and lit it .

"Now breathe it in" he said I took a deep breath

"Hold it for three seconds"

" now release" I coughed so hard my lungs had felt as if they were going to climb up my throat and out my body for an applause on how shitty they were.

"I blame the baby lungs" I said still coughing but able to provide a cunning smile

"Your just one big baby" he said laughing and slightly spinning him self in the chair with his feet stopping himself each time before he would ever make a full turn

" oh shut up" I said playfully "well then show me how it's done oh wise one" I said rolling my eyes and handing him the blunt .he took it and smiled like he had some kind of information that would change what would happen next.

He took the blunt and placed it between his lips perfectly in the middle and all I could focus on was his lips his full like pink lips and perfect straight white smile that hide behind them and all the things that he could do with this lips. He sucked in the air and blew out perfect o's one ring smaller then the next like a master. I sat there amazed as the blunts effect had seemed to just be kicking I had felt more light headed

"Walla" he said

"Bruh you told me you couldn't smoke o's " I said kind of betrayed

"Did i?" he said

" ahh yeah you did" I said

"Well here let me make it up to you"

"How?"

"I'll show you how to do it"

"Yes because you're the world's best teacher"

"Oh, do you doubt me?" He said playfully

"You already know, honestly I could probably smoke o's right now"

" Oh really?" he sad with a half smile

"Yep" I said falsely confident knowing I couldn't but I would be damned it if didn't try

" okay show me" he handed the blunt to me I took a deep breath in and put my lips in the shape of a o and tried to blow out all the smoke but failed and only got a cloud of dust and a horrendous cough out but this one having more effect.

"Awe that was cute" he said laughing and now moving over to sit on the bed next to me he took the blunt from my hands and started to smoke it . I got up and spined around the room in a circle laughing as the room spun both in my head and literally

" see heres your o's" I said in a singy song kind of voice "ooooo oooo ooooo" out of tune I sung and we both laughed and I fell on to him .we had that awkward kind of silence that you probably would see in the movies the kind that was draped in tension of who would do what. But I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and his strong arms around my back and every single nerve in my body tingling with fear and desire the wanting for more of him and less of the realness of the situation all at once. then he smiled. that smile that I can't even remember now, I don't know even know what his eye color was anymore was it blue or was it green? I can't even recall what the structure of his face had looked like anymore or what it had looked like when he had laughed or to even what his voice had sounded like. and piece by piece the daydream faded away and I was no longer in his arms but in my bed cuddling with my stuffed animal and the love of my old life was gay and a half.