You Broke Me

To my Soon to be ex husband

Dear Mani ,

This is something that I always wanted you to know. But I never could find the time to tell you 😒 !

Just wanted, and needed to set the record straight. Regardless of what you think of me. I was always loyal, and faithful to you 😔 ! I loved you with everything I had in me. 💔 .. I probably would have laid down my life if I couldn't be with you

I know that I was young and didn't know what I was doing, but I relied on you to teach me what I didn't know. You took a part of me 😔. Each time you stepped out of our marriage, I literally died on the inside.. The only thing I felt was hurt and betrayal. Mani, I loved you .. Even when I didn't even know what love was to begin with. Over the years I have been trying to fill the void that you left in my heart ! But I have yet to do that. I hate to admit that you had so much control over me, it's scary to even think about it. I will even go onto tell you, that; for years, I literally " waited " for you to come back to me, and love me the way I deserved to be loved. But you kept on doing what you do, brevet considered me or my feelings in anything you ever did, which was oh so selfish of you.

I say this because of all that transpired, over the years, not just because I'm still bitter about everything. I have you 3 precious children, and you missed out on so much of their lives. You were there, but you weren't there at the same time. I kept waiting for you to love me, and love our kids, and put our family back together. I have lived with my guards up on purpose, so that I would not allow myself to be hurry again .

Thus far, I have done a great job at maintaining myself, and being able to block and and all chances of that happening to me every again. Well I won't lie, I have taken a few chances and allowed myself to indulge into the arms of another man, but it was never the same. Time has allowed me to move on and grow past our marriage, and I think that it is time for us to close that chapter in our lives, so that we can completely move on.

My dreams of waiting for you to be that Awesome Man, are long gone. Well that awesome man I dreamed you to be, has come to past as well. I'm over it, and I'm over you. I just need to free myself from you once and for all. I've lost so much precious time waiting and " waiting " for you to realize that you had a great woman, that loved you, and that loved mostly everything about you; flaws and all ! I was hoping that our love could grow somehow, but I finally realized, we never really had enough of what it took to become one ! It was only me, feeling this way about you, which needed to be mutual 😭 ! We never could communicate well with each other, without it leading to an argument. That was because we never understood one another. I will say that I learned a lot from you, whether good or bad. I am forever grateful for you, for giving me my children.

Another thing, I saw the way you looked at A'Jani that day at the Mall. I know you never forgot about that, but I will say this, I am a woman who has never lied when it came to telling the truth about anything I ever did. Yes, I did step out on you, once, and I only mean once, throughout all those years we were ever together, even my teenage years.. I remember it just like it was yesterday, you came home from work, told me that you were going out of town with some friends, I'll never forget . I remember sitting there; sitting there feeling so stupid and wondering why I was even there. I remember it, yes, because one of the dudes you supposedly went out of town with came by after you left looking for you. I felt disgusted, betrayed, used etc. Just about any horrible way I could have felt. I just needed to see that for myself, if it would be easy for me to allow the touch of another man, one whom had offered comfort in my time of distress. It wasn't easy at all. This was one of my first times deciding to take a drink, just so I could try to relax, because all I could do was think about you.

As the night went on, I went ahead and let myself indulge, and leg him touch me, as he pleased of course. We watched movies, laughed, talked, listened to music. Just the simple things that I needed from you. But never got ! I kept on thinking about how easy it was for you to walk out that door and leave me in that lonely apartment, unconcerned as to how I felt about you leaving, or if I had anyone to keep me company, or if I'd be alright the entire weekend. While you did your thing; partying, with these whores. And I'm home with your 3 kids. All of these feelings, along with other bottled up feelings, just added to my vengeful intent. I was to the point where I couldn't just let you continue to hurt Me as often at you wanted to with no consequences. So, I did what I did, but protected of course, unlike yourself, where your mistakes added up to having babies with so many other women. All of which just ripped my heart to shreds, even more. Now, to say I was a saint, would not be true but I promise you, I came close. For me, of all the years of us being together, I only brought myself to venture off only once, and that's the God honest truth. And I'm not too ashamed to admit that. Also if you think back, it wasn't around the time I got pregnant with A'Jani, so whenever you're ready, we can get the blood test, just so you will really know the truth. I just never corrected you because I wanted you to hurt somehow the same way you had made me hurt over the years. I have just allowed your people to think that so, I could seemingly have something to match up to at least one of the outside children you had while we were together. I almost lost the fire, and the will I had in me, trying to deal with all of the things that you put me through. I'm so glad that this is behind me . Years have passed, and it has taken me many of those years to get over everything, I'm slowly allowing myself to love again. Been holding on for too long, and now it's time to let go. A divorce will help me gain my peace of mind back, and allow me to live my life as I please. Although it's well over due. 15 years of marriage, gone. I know I was wrong for my deceit, my one mistake, and I hope you can completely forgive me, as I have you. Go ahead and judge me as you will, but I know, and God knows I speak the truth, which is why my conscious is clear, I have no skeletons left, so I am free. I really wished that we could have had a different marriage, one where we were both willing to work together, make our mistakes, correct them, but still be able to build a solid foundation for our kids. I think we could've had a great marriage, but we didn't have what it takes to make a marriage work, not together we didn't. I know I had what it took, alone, just to get us by, but we both needed to be on the same level with that. I really wish you the best in life and in your relationships. But you are going to have to look further than you are now. Well, for me I'm ready to be happy , to fall in love again, and love even harder than I every have. I think I deserve this. No more " waiting " for me, my heart and mind is clear, so I'm done. Let's get these papers signed, so that we can be free of each other. It's only fair, and as I stated.. It's way overdue. Somehow, I still have love for you, but it's a different kind of love, and I'm grateful for my children we have together. Take care of yourself !

- Yours Truly
- Anonymous