addicted to him

sweet dreams

school was where it started. the place where my blooming crush on Luca Borelli flourished. i had seen him before walking the halls of the large school. laughing with friends, bantering back and forth about different things. all of which were probably offensive, but i didn't care. lust, disguised as love secretly, blinded and blurred my vision, focusing on the wrong things each and every time.

home was a safe space. momentarily, I forgot about him. going on merrily without fearing the slow need for him.

he was like a drug to me. his strong, sharp features were my downfall, and I fawned over his eyes. oh, his eyes. they shined like emeralds in the sunlight, gleaming with importance and riches and beauty. All of which Luca embodied.

i envied the girls that had the chance to stand with him and laugh with him. to befriend him.

dirty thoughts roamed my mind frequently whenever I thought about Luca, but the thought of being in his presence was enough to get me going. being with Luca kept me sane, and it kept him preoccupied.

the meaningless promise of the label 'friends with benefits' was a barrier that I was fighting to break through.

Luca wasn't like the others I had dated- and I'm using that term lightly. he was unusually sweet when alone, whereas the others if been with, were just as bad alone as they were with their friends. the asshole persona seemed to be a front that he put on to keep his true self hidden from the piranhas of society. who would eat up any thing they deemed worthy of public humiliation.

he wore the same smile each time we met. he would fling open his door, and a simple tug of his lips would send me basically tackling him. i wanted all of him, and at the same time, i wanted nothing to do with him.

somewhere in me knew that right now could never be forever. we weren't meant to be together. we were distractions at first. the only place we could feel detached was when we were with each other, fooling around. somehow, i had slipped up this time, and slowly, surrendered to Luca's everything.

love was a strong word, and in no way was i in love with Luca. but like all failing friends-with-benefits, i realized that I wanted more than what we were at that moment. i wanted more than the sex.

i felt like a typical jealous girlfriend when I watched him with other girls in the halls. they would never know that me- the quiet, goodie-two shoes who never spoke- was secretly fucking the shit out of the star quarterback. and he was loving every single moment of it.

"don't leave, babe," he whispered softly into my ear, making me weak in the knees as his breath hit my skin, "not yet."

his arms embraced me loosely but with no intention of letting go anytime soon. I closed my eyes, wishing this could be my forever. the moment that would play in my head right before I succumb to death's open arms when I am hopefully older than this certainly. A peaceful silence has encircled and been laid upon the room, and Luca had pressed his lips to my bare shoulder in rest.

"we have school today, Luca." i sighed wistfully. "don't get me wrong, I want to stay. it's just-"

"school comes first," he mocked, and even though my back was turned to him, i could practically hear the fake smile he had plastered on his face.

I twisted around in his arms, shaking my head disapprovingly. "don't say it like that," i frowned as his signature smirk plastered onto his face, "you know i hate it when you mock me."

"yet another reason to do it," he smiled this time, showing me his true nature that only a select few knew about.

"i wish everyone could see you like this," i sighed, reaching my hand up to brush the strands of hair that had fallen into his forehead.

"naked...and in bed with you?" he quirked an eyebrow, grinning mischievously at me.

"you're a child, luca. for once, do you think you could take anything seriously?" I sat up, wrapping the sheets around my bare chest to keep the coldness of the room out.

"i take you seriously, babe." he followed suit, sitting up in the bed and pulling me closer to him again.

i scoffed unwillingly as i thought about his words and how particular they were. he took me seriously. not us. my heart aches even as he rested his lips at the side of my head, freezing for a few moments as time seemed to stand still.

and then i pushed him away. suddenly i knew what i had to do, and how to approach our situation. he was all i wanted, but in the end, i knew i'd never have him.

"i should leave," i spoke, stretching out of his arms and off of the bed all together.

weirdly uncomfortable around a boy who knew every inch of me almost too well, i crossed my arms over my bare chest, searching in the tiny slivers of moonlight for my clothes. like every time we were together alone, all articles of clothing seemed to fly around, disappearing under the bed and desks and little places you would never think of. it portrayed our 'relationship' if you will, hidden and messy. we were the perfect hurricane when together alone.

and again, i stress the word alone because we were nothing if we weren't alone. we were only a sweet dream that went on forever until someone came to terms and moves on with their life. and i was determined to not be left in the dust, mourning a relationship that never even was.