Random Writing Book

Imploding

5/7/17
Heyyyy

I had auditions today and I think I did well and I wasn't the fattest there

I'm happy

Anyway, auditions were in LA so I'm flying back home rn. The city is beautiful from the window seat. I have lots and lots to say about my trip and stuff but eh. I got to meet some Korean people who helped me with pronunciation. They all wished me luck. Koreans are so polite it makes me sad that not everyone is adapted to the idea of honorifics and stuff. It definitely made the entirety of the country more polite.

Also holy shit I hate turbulence. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck okay we're good. I have nothing to do for this entire flight. Just sit here and wait. For 2 and a half hours. Our flight was delayed more than an hour too. Imma get home late and I have to get a cavity filling and school tomorrow so I'm a little stressed. I gots low battery I'll finish writing tomorrow.

Actually hi. So, I've told you about my stepdad having an affair right? Idk. Anyway, he didn't like fuck the chick but still. And he's a little bit of a drunk. I make it clear to my mom, he's no keeper, but she still clings to him for some reason.

This is actually the happiest entry I've made. And it's not really even that happy. I always look happy in the surface, no one cares enough to see the underneath.

Oh! I have to tell you about my "educational therapy." It's great. Basically, you get to do whatever the hell you want for 2 hours. I love it. It's freedom, a safe haven. I asked a lot of questions about it on the day I first went and I figured it out when I left. I love it to death. You can talk about your problems, or not. Or, you can go on a hike and discuss Shakespeare. Or go to an art museum. Or stay in the room and listen to music and draw. Literally anything. It's really expensive but it's worth it I think. I hate that I just spend my life sitting around doing nothing for such a long time in life. And it's cause my parents are always arguing. And when I say parents, I mean my mom and step dad.

ALSO

MY DAD IS BECOMING NORMAL

LIKE

IM SO HAPPY HES GETTING OUT OF HIS DEPRESSION

AND ITS CAUSE HE GOT THE JOB HE WANTED. (Lol btw this is about a year later and he's still not out of it tbh I was pretty naïve) Like you guys probably don't understand but when your dad is depressed for a year and a half, just hearing his voice in a less sluggish tone brings tears to my eyes. That was the day before I left for auditions. He used to pick me up after school but now I have to carpool again. It kinda sucks but I'd prefer him working and happy than depressed and helping me after school. It was nice checking on him after school though. Making sure he hadn't committed suicide. Sometimes he wouldn't reply to my texts and I thought that's what happened. And my mom and step dad never noticed me worrying. Fucking adults are bull shit. No one knows me. Or cares.

Now, I've gone on long enough for you to know the characters to my story. My user name is 5h3lby so you'd think my name is Shelby right? Nah. It's my alias on all accounts. My name is Jaimie, I hated it when I was younger cause it was so weird. Honestly it describes me perfectly. Not the translation from French, more the sound of it and stuff. And how no one can spell it right. Just the little details. Now, my mom. She's Patricia Gonzalez. I can say her full name cause there's a million of people with the same name, she doesn't have a middle name and I don't share my last name with her. She never changed her last name with the two people she's married. I share my last name with my dad, Manfred. He's Austrian and his name describes him the same as mine does me. Just kinda out there, something most people would never think is a name. Then Brian. He's my stepdad, and just when I start to think he's a decent human being he does something to prove otherwise. Now, my little sister, Skyler. She's 8 years younger and I think I love her the most out of my entire family cause she's never wronged me. She can't really, she turned six 2 months ago. My closest friends, Sara and Caroline. Sara is a koreaboo like me, Carrie is a super emo awesome child. My other friends are Charlotte, Max, Anderson, Alex, Mary, and Sarahann. Mary is new, she just joined the club of my friend group. She skipped a grade and is still in GT. Oh, and still 2 years ahead in math. She's a genius. I'll do more character development when they become important lol. Ah. Wait. One more direct family member. Samantha. Otherwise known as Sam, or the devil. She's my sister's mom. Technically my sister is my half sister, and she lives with her mom full time, just like me. Oh yeah, my mom and dad divorced when I was 3 and her mom and our dad broke up when she was 3. I liked Sam a lot at first but then she became verbally abusive and made me do a lot of chores when I was too young to do them. I felt like a maid sometimes.

So yeah. Characters to my story. My world is pretty small huh? Only because of my inability to socialize. Ugh also I'm on my period and I need chocolate. I'm ready to be home damn it.

Random memory time! Mrs.Coperthwaite, the first person to talk to me in the Sage Center for the gifted, told me that no one will truly understand you. And I really hope she's wrong. Because I feel so alone in this world. Why doesn't anyone even try to understand? And why does everyone have such different viewpoints? Fuck. I was happy and I had to make myself depressed. Once again questioning why I should live and not just overdose. Have I said? I have contemplated many times exactly how I would commit suicide. What drugs should I use guys? That's pretty much the only decision left. I try not to think about suicide just because Sara is so clingy and doesn't want to lose anyone but idk. I'm not that important to her. I watched a video for suicide prevention and it was dumb because it was proving all the things that would happen if you left and it just kinda proved to me how little I matter. No one would cry other than my mom and dad. Brian would fake cry for my mom but I know he doesn't give a shit about me or my mom. Lady I hope you remember I said YOU could look in my diary when I commit suicide, not Brian. That fucker can go read his dumb Rush book.

I hope someone will love me in high school. I think I kinda need it. Now I understand why my dad clings to love so much. I kinda did the same thing on a smaller scale when I broke up with my boyfriend. I should have appreciated it more. Oh well. Time goes on. That's one thing I notice. One second, you're preparing for an event and the next it's already done and over. I always remember thinking "before I know it, I'll be thinking about this moment and everything I was preparing for will be over" just before every trip or occasion and it's so true. I thought that when we were driving to the airport for the flight to LA and now I'm on the flight back. Time just goes.

Ugh I'm tired. I don't wanna walk when we land. I just wanna fall in bed. I still have a little bit of math homework too cause I ran out of space on my paper. Yay we're landing. Ahhh home sweet home. LA is super humid compared to dry Colorado and I always felt dirty and damp there.

Is anyone reading this? Comment if you are. Nah, comment if you care. There will be no comments that way. I'll see if I can promote this, maybe get the attention of someone who knows me. Dunno. Prolly not cause if they read it they'll worry and then take it the wrong way, as usual.

~~~~~

5/8/17
I meant to finish this and publish it the day I wrote it but we got home from the airport at 1 am and I slept in till 10 today and skipped school. Stupid flight. I'm half doing homework half not. Actually I was doing homework but now I'm watching a Thai BL drama lmao bai