Choices

Chapter 4

The next morning when Erin didn't show for work, Jay sent her a text asking if she was ok. When she didn't respond, he knocked on Voight's door and asked where she was. All Voight would say was that she took a personal day.

Jay was worried. Erin rarely took a day off and now that she knew about the baby, he knew she'd be questioning a lot of things.

He walked over to Mouse's desk. "Ping Erin's phone," he whispered.

"Why?" Mouse asked giving him a funny look.

"Because she just doesn't take a personal day for no reason. I need to know where she is," Jay said.

Mouse just nodded and pulled it up. "She's outside of a clinic. Here's the address," he said scribbling it down.

"You didn't see this," Jay said taking it and grabbing his coat. He left without saying anything to any of them and raced to the clinic.

He'd support her decision no matter what, but he needed to make sure she knew what she was actually doing.

He parked and found her car. She was still sitting in it. He gently tapped on the window and offered her a small smile when she looked up. He walked around to the passenger side and climbed in.

"What are you doing?" she asked not looking at him.

"Offering you the support I told you I'd give. I was worried when you didn't show up and Hank just said you were taking a day. I had Mouse ping your phone," he said with a small shrug.

Erin kept quite.

"Erin I told you last night you're not alone. I'm always going to be here."

She felt the tears gather in her eyes. "I never thought I'd be a mom much less a single mom. What if I'm no better than Bunny?" she barely whispered.

"Because I know you Erin. I've seen you with kids we've worked cases with. You will make an amazing mom to your baby. You are definitely not Bunny."

"You can't know that Jay. I just came off my…. Sabbatical a couple of months ago. I slipped. I was Bunny. And now I'm pregnant." She felt the tears fall then.

Jay grabbed her hand and turned her face towards him. He softly wiped her tears. "Erin just because you slipped doesn't mean it's going to keep happening. You were going through a lot and things happen. You are an amazing person and you will be an amazing mom. I didn't come here to talk you out of it if this is what you really want, but I just wanna make sure you've thought everything through. You're not alone."

Erin let herself soak in his embrace as he held her cheek. She missed him something terrible, especially now that she knew about the baby, but she also knew he deserved better. This baby didn't deserve to come into her screwed up world and have to suffer because it ended up with a shitty mom. She was never supposed to be a mom, but if she'd ever had kids she'd wanted it to be with Jay so they'd have an amazing dad.

"Erin you're not alone ok? I'm here. No matter what," he repeated seeing her wheels turning. "I love you and I will love your baby because it's a part of you. Nothing would change that. Please believe me," he said brushing her tears.

"I do Jay," she whispered. "I just know you deserve better. I don't want you to wake up one day and realize you ended up stuck with a kid that's not yours and junkie me," she said dropping her eyes.

Jay tilted her chin back up. "Self depreciating doesn't work for you Erin. Everyone has a past. Would you feel better if I told you mine so you'd see I don't deserve better. That I don't even deserve you."

She let his words hang between them for the longest. "Only when you want to share," she whispered. "But you do deserve better."

Jay brushed her hair behind her ear. "My place tonight. I'll cook," he said placing a kiss on her forehead. "Now…. Are we going in or going home?" he asked giving her hand a squeeze.

She didn't see one bit of judgement in his eyes and she knew he'd meant everything he said, but she still couldn't get it out of her head that he and this baby deserved better. "Going in," she said after a bit.

Jay nodded and opened the door and then followed her. He'd been hoping she'd change her mind and give him a chance to prove to her she wasn't alone and that she'd make a great mom. But he'd meant it when he said he'd support her, so he wasn't letting her down now.

/

After filling out the necessary paperwork, they sat in the waiting area. Jay was reading a magazine that had been tossed on one of the tables, and Erin was nervously looking around.

Could she really do this? Could she carelessly get rid of a baby she'd created? Yes she'd done it during a rough time, and yes she barely knew who the father was, but watching Jay siting beside her, she knew everything he'd said the last two days were true. He'd be there no matter what because even when she'd pushed as hard as possible to push him away, he'd never gone anywhere.

He'd make sure she was a good mom. He wouldn't let her slip. But most of all he'd love her baby no matter what because he still loved her.

"You ok?" he whispered when he caught her staring.

A blush crept up her cheeks when she realized she'd been caught. She slightly nodded and fiddled with her hands. "Yea… yea… just nervous," she said quietly.

Jay reached over and stilled her hands giving them a gentle squeeze. "Erin I'm here. If you're not one hundred and fifty percent sure, we can leave right now."

She chewed on her lip as his hands held hers.

"Erin Lindsay," a nurse called.

Jay gave her hand another squeeze before getting up and helping her up. They followed the nurse back and was settled in a room. Erin answered all the necessary questions and then laid back on the bed. She was terrified, and when they started explaining the procedure, she felt sick.

There was no way she could actually go through with this. This was her baby, a part of her, and she couldn't just toss it away as of it were nothing. She suddenly sat up and grabbed Jay's hand. "I'm sorry, but we need to go. There's an emergency at work," she said to the nurse as she grabbed for her clothes.

"Ok we can reschedule, but you don't need to wait too much longer," the nurse said as Erin just nodded.

"I'll call," she said slipping her jeans back on. She got dressed quickly and rushed out, taking a deep breathe of air once outside.

Jay was right behind her and rubbed her back as she doubled over breathing deep. "It's ok," he whispered letting her get her breath.

"I couldn't do it," she whispered with tear filled eyes looking at him. "I might not be the best mother and my baby won't have a father, but I couldn't… I just…."

"It's ok Erin. I get it," he said wiping her tears. "I meant what I said you're not alone. I'll be there in whatever way you want. You just have to tell me," he said softly.

Erin nodded as he hugged her close. Things weren't perfect, and she knew she'd be lacking in the mother skills, but she was going to try her damnedest because her baby deserved that much and so did Jay. She could take her bad choices and make them into something worthy and that's what she was going to try and do.