ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

XOXO

fragments of moments that are long passed seem stilled in my mind, moments of you and I that I wish- I wish so fucking dearly that I could let go of. the still images of you, the small moving frames of you, the soft words I remember leaving your mouth have caused myself to only grow fearful. I fear what the next day will bring, I fear what will happen in two months, I fear what will happen in six,seven, eight, I'm terrified of what will happen because of the course of unexpected wrong doings that had been proceeded to put on me after I met you.

I don't blame you entirely, I brought this upon myself in many ways, the first being making the mistake of ever letting you get so close to my heart, so into my head, that I couldn't help but let you harvest yourself right there. right where your absence would have been known the most, right where your actions could have caused the greatest ache. I feel stuck in this rut where I no know better than to miss you, than to hate you, than to reminisce the love we once had in this endless cycle- and I hate it. I hate the effect that I've allowed you to have on me. going through this subconscious conditioning, which only results in the sound of your name leaving a pain in my heart. it hurts so bad, sometimes its as if I can feel it in my bones, the way you treated me, days in and out where you weren't here, the way you had left me, did I not deserve a good reason why? the way you cheated my feelings even after.

my infatuation, god damn my fucking infatuation with you can go burn in the greatest hell because thats just where it has landed me,  the hell of you I can't escape. I'd often like to remind myself, of the sweet words that you once said, but then I begin to imagine how your tongue would turn black and your face would turned disfigured until you were unknown to me. did I really know you as well as I thought? did I ever mean anything you, because surely you couldn't have fucked me up this bad.

I hate the nights where I find myself angry about how I can't bare to see my own friends happy. I've told him about how happy I was for the new ties he had created, yet I can't find myself to truly feel like that. I can't find myself to be as happy as I was before I found myself fucked.

this shouldn't be about you, truth is this morning I woke up not thinking about you at all, not the first time this has happened but I found myself with too much time. too much time, and I talked today to your new lover,  SHE misses you, and that reminded me of you again. SHE reminds me of myself, of how I'd miss you. I could sit around all night, like I've done before, questioning myself continuously, did it ever truly matter? I cared about you more than I had for anything in a while, did it matter? I gave you everything, did that matter? I let you in, did that matter? did it matter whilst you went about leaving me behind? did it matter whilst you went ahead and moved on? did it ever matter to you how fucked I was over you?

I'm furious at myself. because truly, if I had a chance to have you back, all for myself, I wouldn't. but fucking hell, I can't bear the sight of you with someone else. I'm furious at myself, for embarrassing myself that night, for making it seem as if I needed you when I wrapped my arms around you so tight as you stood outside the bedroom that my father had lent you. the embrace you never returned, the words you never spoke. furious, at how you could've been under the same roof as me and yet, I thought you had still cared.

the infatuation I held for your own was mind baffling, and I wish, I wish so dearly that I never experience anything close to it again. not in this lifetime, nor the next.

all of this nonsense piece of writing, all of these feelings, all of this shit, is not worth the disquiet toll its been taking on me lately. that's why this is going to be the last piece that I'll be writing about you;  so please, don't take this to heart as it wasn't truly your fault, it was mine.