viva la vida

i'm a chameleon

this is the brain vomit of a confused teenager. you don't have to read this.

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i don't know why i'm even going to post this, mostly because it rips me apart so much. it makes me feel so raw and vulnerable and the internet is not for that, right? i don't know what i'm trying to do with this chapter except perhaps connecting with someone.

i'm a chameleon. metaphorically, of course, otherwise i would be spying on hot boys and live in a bookstore instead of write a chapter that sucks balls like this one. ah, how lucky those damned chameleons are. 

so what is a metaphorical chameleon? my "simple" definition of a metaphorical chameleon is a person who blends into their environment, no matter who they're around or where they are. but it goes so much deeper than that, and i guess that's what i'm really going to expand on.

"being" a chameleon is one of the most confusing things i've gone through so far. that's not saying a lot since i'm only in my early teens but it plays with my head so much. if you didn't already know; i'm a bilingual. my everyday life functions in two languages; english at school and my mother tongue at home with my family. this is sort of the stimulus of why i feel this way; it feels like the day begins in one world at eight in the morning and ends at three in the afternoon and the second one begins shortly after that. i say two worlds because they are so vastly different from each other.

at school, i'm a chameleon. i'm bright and loud and weird and laugh at everything and i feel like i don't have a care in the world besides that guy who said i was weird or the other one that sniggered in my face. they can all go and kiss their own asses for all i care. and that bubbly version of me is not fake, it's still part of me, but it's not the full me. 

at home, i'm a chameleon. i'm quiet, i work on my homework and my projects, i laugh at the occasional political jokes that i understand but most of all, i live in my own little world. i'm more toned down and it's sort of my time to unwind mentally from the people i've interacted with and the person that i've been. and sometimes, in my quiet, thoughtful trance, i think back on the day and feel frustrated of how disconnected i feel to myself.

i know this doesn't really make sense. but at the same time it makes all the sense to me; i'm the sun and then i'm the moon and through all of that, i'm the confused and afraid little stars. i'm everything and nothing at the same time and i struggle to understand what i really am. you know, like have you ever wondered what colour a chameleon is when the world is blank? is it translucent or is it in its own different colours? that's what i don't understand and i don't know whether i'll ever understand it.

i'm a chameleon. the environment and the people in it control me and i'm just wishing for the day when my head, my heart and my mouth aren't separated or filtered. 

i just talked about my miserable teenage girl emotions for paragraphs upon paragraphs. sorry. if there is at least one condolence i can give, it's hope. we only have to get through the next second, and then the next and then the next, and ten thousand more seconds after that, and more and more until we maybe grow out of it or find a solution to it. i'm trying to be as authentic as i could be all the time because there isn't enough space in my head for secrets, feelings and other crap. i'm not fake but i also don't feel fully authentic. maybe i'll never be fully authentic. i don't know.

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a/n well that was depressing. once again, i'm sorry. i just felt like getting this out because it's been on my mind for the past few weeks and since school has started back up again, i'm an explosive grenade of emotions and stress and i need to get it all out at some point. do you sometimes feel like that? when your head is so full of feelings and thoughts and tears it physically creates a headache between your eyes?

more chapters are in the works. i've got a rant that may go up later on in the week and some music recommendations. other that, i want to know, what would you like to see?

i'm thinking some chapters on writing, both advice related and around my own ideas. btw, you probably don't care but i finished my third novel last weekend and i feel drained and both excited to begin editing and reoutlining and hopefully share it with you sometime soon. i'll be using my half term as an advantage to get working on it. 

i haz instagram (antoana0502, shameless promo) where i've shared a bit more of my journey writing the first draft. stalk my page if you feel like procrastinating. 

i want to take the moment to thank you. you just read a bunch of bs that probably only makes sense to me with cheesy analogies and metaphors and crap. so thank you. if you've had a bad day today, i hope you feel better soon. believe it or not, you are the strongest person in your own life and some days aren't supposed to count. some days are bridge days to the next great big day. so thank you, for spending your valuable seconds or minutes reading this; i appreciate it.

stay strong, stay smart

antoana xx