Moonstruck // Harry Styles

chapter-23

I tried not to think about her when I ran.

As soon as Niall told me about the murder, I bolted out of the room. He ran just after. He didn’t tell me: No, Harry, stop. Jane is fine. Or, it isn’t her, surely. Or, Jane is safe. He just ran right after me... meaning that he was confused. Meaning, it could be Jane.

God, please let it not be Jane, I thought, and it occurred to me that maybe I was praying. And maybe if Jane were there with me she’d say: That is such a selfish thing to say, Harry. You know someone is dead, and all you could think about that should not be someone you love. But that doesn’t change the fact so! Someone is dead who may not be closer to you, but closer to someone else who is a human being just like you!

But, please, God, I still wished. Let it not be her.

I could feel the air brushing my sides when I ran, and nothing else. I knocked off a man on the street unknowingly, and one other when I reached inside the house. I could hear someone shouting my name from behind, but I didn’t stop. The walls were suddenly too tight and I couldn’t breathe. The first time I stopped was when I reached her gate. Helen wasn’t there. Without wasting a minute, I started pounding on the door.

“Jane!” I shouted. “Jane!”

There was a moment’s pause before I heard anything moving. I felt as if my heart could burst out of my chest any moment now. I heard Niall shuffling behind me, though he didn’t call her.

“Jane!” I said, banging on the door harder.

“Harry?” she said back.

“Jane.” I shuddered in relief, it was the first time I heard her voice in days. “Jane - I thought -”

“That you were dead,” Niall answered crossly, but he, too, sounded relieved.

“Niall?”

“Oh, you remember me?”

I shook my head, shuffling closer to the door as if i only wanted her to hear whatever I would say. “Jane... I love you.”

A moment’s pause. “And I love you,” she replied shakily. I sighed. It felt relishing to hear her say it, like I could breathe.

“I hate you,” Niall said. “Next time you decide to recluse, please, give me some fair warning.” I somehow felt he was talking to both of us and neither of us could answer. He’d closed his eyes, and after a few minutes, left the place silently.

“This isn’t going to be the time you come out, is it?” I asked her slowly.

“No,” she said. “I’m afraid not.”

I rested my forehead against the door. “I miss you, Jane. And I think I’m going mad.”

“You’re not going mad.”

“I need you,” I said.

“I’ll come around soon.” I heard her sigh. “I promise.”

It took me quite some time to gather myself up and go to home, tired, thoughtless. But home was home; it never judged. It takes you back just as you are, failed and tired. Niall wasn’t there when I went up in the room. Rather it was Louis. He wasn’t snooping as he did generally. I entered the room silently and saw his shadow leaning against the side of the window, looking outside.

“Louis?” I called when I got in. My voice wasn’t so alarmed, to my surprise.

He didn’t look back, didn’t move his eyes. “Yeah. Henley sent for you.”