She sighs, tossing a dish towel onto the marble countertop before turning around. She wears a pair of oversized denim overalls with a gray stripped t-shirt under, her usual gardening attire. Now she folds her arms over her chest, silently letting me now this is the moment I've been waiting for all morning.
"I'm not angry," she says calmly. "You're allowed to slip up every now and then—you're still young and I don't blame you for wanting to have a... companion."
"He's more than a companion," I blurt, wishing I could swallow the words back. It's too late for that.
Mom looks surprised. "So, this is serious then?"
"I think so." My heart skips a beat. This tone of conversation feels unfamiliar, but I'd be lying if I said was uncomfortable. "He's kind and he makes me laugh... I haven't had that in a while." Eliana quietly plays with my hair before taking her stuff animal from the baby bag and giving it a big squeeze in her chubby little arms.
"You deserve to be happy," mom walks up to me and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear in a loving gesture. Her eyes are paler than I remember them yet she's aged so beautiful. I can only hope I have her genes. She changes the topic, "Eliana's been talking about going to the lake. I hope you pack sunscreen."
I smile, glancing over at the toddler in my arms. She smiles, her little teeth barely visible. "I see the duck-ies," Eliana informs me.
"Yes, baby," I giggle, kissing her cheek. "Alright, say bye-bye to Grammy."
Eliana waves adorably to her grandmother, "bye-bye Gammy!"
On the car ride home, I occasionally find myself glancing in the rearview mirror at the babbling two-and-a-half year old in the backseat. She sits, strapped in her car seat, holding her monkey stuffed animal. The older she gets the more I start to see myself in her, but I also start to see her father, too.
When I look back at the road my mind drifts off, wondering where in the world Austin could be today. I have these thoughts more than I care to admit, but I'm not sure I'll ever come to terms with the reality of it all. Even though my heart's finding company in another man, I fear that I may be the exception to time healing all wounds. Why do I feel the need to find absolution for something I didn't even do? I'm not the one who walked out on an innocent little girl's life. But maybe I'm the one who didn't fight hard enough for him to stay. Forgiveness is the only thing that will ever set me free, and it's the one thing that I'm the farthest away from finding in this world.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
The lake isn't a far drive from town, but it's one with breathtaking views. Even Eliana looks out her window as we drive drown the windy roads lined with wildflowers and trees that seem to touch the cloudless sky. We drive a little longer, turning right into the parking lot. We're clearly not the only people enjoying the beautiful weather today.
