The Diary of the Ambivert

To Start Off

Why not start this off right, explain a bit about who I truly am. My full name is Orissa Alexandria McDonald and I hate that name. I always wanted to change my name. Originally it was to sever all ties that had connected me to my birth mom and now it's just because I want it to be different. As I already said in another book, I have a lot of mental disorders and have been in facilities multiple times. What I never mentioned was that I was first placed in a facility when I was about 4 or 5 for running away. I am able to remember almost everything that happens to me, no matter how long ago it was. Hell, my earliest memory was my second birthday and that's also my worst memory. I hate celebrating but that doesn't mean I won't use it as excuse to be lazy. I prefer to spend half of my life in in my mind despite my head sometimes being hell. I'm an ambivert (I have no clue if I spelled that right) but to most where I live, I'm a massive extrovert. Here I may be different than how my friends know me because here I am who I was before I decided to change everything about me, I hated who I was and I was getting tired of being bullied constantly. I'm basically polar opposites of my own self. Does that make sense, hell if I know but I don't care. I'm usually apathetic towards stuff and emotions confuse me. I can't understand why people would be nice to me or treat me like a living being because, in the past, that was only a luxury that was indulged upon in my dreams. I'm afraid to sleep at times because I'm terrified of the nightmares that I used to have every single night coming back. I don't think that I'll be able to handle it if those hellish dreams came back. I have scars all over me, both inside and out. People say that I'm depressed but I just say that I'm constantly down without something to distract me. I just usually feel defective and I know that everyone I know, I know that when I die, they will dance on my grave and say finally she's gone. I have massive trust issues when it comes to talking face to face so I'm most open here because it's a lot easier for me to say what's wrong typed out rather than said out loud. I feel lonely often because I really don't have anybody to talk to and it's partially my fault. I avoid the large crowds because they terrify me and I'm uncomfortable around others when I'm near them for a long amount of time. I became obsessed with Undertale because I love how I can become immersed in whatever the fuck (fuck is my favourite swear word) I'm reading, drawing, listening to, watching, etc, it always catches a lot of my attention, which is a hard thing because I'm easily distracted, and I enjoy how it takes my mind off of reality pretty easily but nothing can beat listening to music to make me feel better. I'm always afraid, a little annoyed, and a little sad because I can't seem to get over the past that I am usually living in. I try not to think about life before my current foster home, but life here wasn't always easy. I enjoy helping out even though I can't understand why. Heh, I guess that I love to see others smile and be happy, even if it makes me miserable in the process. I can forgive people pretty easily but I will NEVER forget what was done to hurt me. I love to learn and try something new and I just standing out even though I would usually rather blend in and be invisible so I won't be anyone's target. 

Hmm, I hope that this is enough about me to start off. What's left is that I have a lot of 4 sisters and 4 brothers, I will still and forever say 4 brothers even though one died in 2014, he is still alive in my memory so I will still count him as living. Only 3 of them though, siblings, give a shit about me and whether I'm alive or not but it really doesn't bother me. I'm used to being ignored. I can talk, in person or over the phone, anyone's ear off and not many people I know can stand to hear me drone on and on but to those that do, they mean a lot to me, whether they live near me or in another state-if you are willing to listen to me then you mean a lot to me.