For A Moment

Cassandra

CASSIE

For a moment, I thought my life, as I knew it, was over. I never knew I could feel such pain and suffering and still survive it. That moment when I got the call, the call that changed my life, I didn't want to believe it. In fact, I didn't believe it, and for a while, I kept telling myself that she was okay, she had survived, and I'd get to the hospital only to see that she was awake, smiling at me, and I could walk up to her and scoop her up in my arms, that all would be well. Even after I walked into her room, all of the tubes and machines that were used to keep her alive as long as they could, and grabbed her chilled hand, I didn't believe it. It wasn't until they lowered her in the ground that it hit me: she's not coming back. After I threw a handful of dirt on top of her ivory coffin, did it dawn on me: she's down there, but not really. Her deceased being is in that fancy box, but her spirit is out there somewhere. She'll not be making dinner and calling me to make sure I have eaten that day. She'll not be bringing me my favorite wine in the spur of the moment as I study my new lesson for the next day. We won't be lounging and having lazy Saturdays after a long week while eating junk food and watching re-runs of our favorite comedies as we laugh until our sides hurt. She won't even be calling me to complain how she lost a whole night's sleep because her newborn had a belly ache or an ear infection. As my mom threw the last bit of dirt on her grave, it hit me...I no longer had a sister, a best friend. No longer did I have someone to share my joys, my sorrows, to hear about my latest crush or wipe away tears after being stood up on a first date...from now on, it was just me....me and my little niece I now had sole custody of, Marley Rae.

"Mama! Wake up! I'm going to miss the bus!" I think that I am dreaming but after about five minutes of this, I realize this is real. I leap up like a crazy woman, my hair wild.

"Marley, honey! Go grab your hairbrush; Mama will be out soon!" I hurriedly grab the pair of jeans thrown across the chair in my room before grabbing my hoodie. Since Rachael had died, my room had become a literal disaster as had the rest of my life. I found that I just couldn't teach anymore as the first day back in the classroom, I had to run to the bathroom during science class when we were learning about metamorphosis. The caterpillar in a sense dies after it wraps itself in the cocoon, and after a long, hard winter, emerges as a beautiful butterfly. Losing my sister had felt like a major piece of me had died, as for the first 27 years of my life, we were inseparable.

I run out of my room and smack into Marley, "Mama's so sorry, Mar!" She is so understanding, and sometimes, I see little Rachael standing in front of me. She has her temperament and demeanor and has kept me going since the first day I had her all to myself. Wrapping her little arms around me, she buries her face in my waist.

"Mama needs to breathe," she says in her little voice. I laugh as Rachael was the one who used to say that to me all of the time. Bending down to eye level, I cup Marley's cheeks. "Mama will do better, I promise."

Since Marley was only 18 months when Rachael passed away, she only remembers me as being there for her. I couldn't let her call me Mommy by any means as I didn't feel it was my place. Calling me Aunt Cassie just felt strange, and after much thought, Mama seemed like the solution.

She looks at me with big brown eyes, eyes that have always had a way of making me melt. "But Mama! It's been over six years! You tell me each year, you will do better!" This stabs me in the chest, and I swallow down a small sob as tears instantly spring to my eyes. I immediately redirect, "Give me the brush, Mar, or you're going to be late." She complies without so much as a sigh, and I deftly braid her long dirty blonde curls.

It's no secret that I have been spiraling for over 6 years, and now, at 34, I am no better than the day Rachael died. My friends are worried, and so is my mother, yet I am able to keep it together enough so that no one is overly alarmed and no one has said that I neglect Marley. If anything, I have kept it together because of her, and have been trying to make it a go on the same book I have been attempting to write since I stopped teaching.

We rush down to the kitchen, and I realize I forgot to go grocery shopping yet again; so, I dig in my purse and pull out a five dollar bill. "Here, buy your lunch again today, ok?" She nods, and as she places the money neatly into her little sling purse, she reminds me, "You can always sign me up to buy lunch every day...."
I cut her off almost immediately, "Breezewell Academy has a pay ahead lunch program...yes, I know this, and I am very much aware. Now get in the car." I have gone from compassion to snapping at my daughter which is highly unfair, but when will she stop imparting wisdom on me like she's the adult and I'm the child? I sigh irritably as I snatch my keys and purse and head to my jeep.

As we pull up to the school, I notice a tall blonde I hadn't seen before. She is talking to her little boy who seems to be about Marley's age. "Hey, Mar, did you get any new students in your second grade class recently?" She nods as she unbuckles her seat belt.

"Ya, Tommy Rosswell is newer. His mommy is a lesbian just like you! Maybe you should meet her!" I frown her direction before kissing her cheek. I have never told her I was a lesbian. In fact, I haven't dated anyone in a while, and the last person I dated was a man who, when he found out I had a child, ran for the hills. I have several lesbian friends as Rachael was bi-sexual, and we used to all hang out together. I break from my thoughts, "Be good in school! I'll be by right afterwards to take you to ballet!"

She nods and bounds from the car, and I watch her run up to Tommy and take his hand. This makes me smile. Such innocent friendship in the works as Marley always seemed to find the new student or loner who doesn't have any friends and befriend them. I watch them for a bit and as I pull out, the blonde turns and looks right at me. I quickly try to put the car into drive but accidentally hit neutral and my jeep's engine just revs. I see the humor in her eyes, and I can feel the blood rise in my cheeks as again I attempt to place the jeep into drive. This time, I manage to get it right, and my heart races out of control as my tires squeal out of their parking spot. Why did I just blush and become flustered? Most likely it's because she's new and doesn't know me; so, I felt like an idiot. Yep, that has to be it. As I head to the grocery store, I can't help but wonder where she is from and what she does for a living. Marley's claim, "She's a lesbian just like you!" rings in my head and I laugh softly as I park my jeep. I'm no lesbian. In fact, I have never once dated a girl let alone had feelings for one. I find myself laughing the whole way inside, and soon I turn my attention to the task at hand: buying food to fill the fridge.