Moonstruck // Harry Styles

chapter-22

“Well, maybe it’s hard to come out for her because it would remind her that her sister’s not in this world to live anymore!”

“Don’t scream, Harry,” he said.

“I’m not screaming!” I banged the dishes over the table. They fell on the floor with clattering noises. I could feel the staring of the other two lads who were in the room. Those days, I could feel everyone staring at me. And following me. I am paranoid, I’d told myself, for no reason.

“I’m angry,” I said. “And helpless. And pathetic… I’m nothing.” I closed my eyes, but I still saw everything. Everyone’s attempt to go back to life, and everyone saying that this happened every time. I saw Niall approaching me again, with that helpful, earnest look in his eyes.

“Harry,” Niall started, but I shook my head.

“It’s been ten days since she died and we’re already back to what we did. I’m making fucking breads. I’m doing these extra shifts but I don’t know how to… how to p-pass that empty space. I… Lilly’s past. Lilly was. She used to exist. And I… I’m making breads.”

And at last Niall said one true thing. He took a deep breath through his nose and the words seemed to come out with his rugged exhale: “I don’t know what to say that’s true and not hurtful.”

“That’s honest.”

“I just know that everyone expects you to live. When my Gammie died, Theo was at work. He couldn’t come home for two days. And everyone just accepted. I don’t know why, but this one rule that every single person abides that… you’ve got to live. Or at least survive, if you’re not in the mood.”

I opened my eyes and held his gaze. He was chewing on his bottom lip, looking helpless, slightly abashed.

“Jane does that,” I said suddenly.

He stopped chewing on his bottom lip. “What?”

I pointed my index finger vaguely at his lips. “She… chews on her bottom lip.”

“Ew.”

I sighed. “She used to, anyway.”

“She still does. Maybe.”

I looked away. My hand unintentionally went up to my chest and I felt the cool silver of the cross necklace she gave me. My fingers trailed over the cross. I sighed.

“You can’t give up on her,” I heard Niall say. “You do know that, don’t you?”

I closed my eyes, nodding in answer.

“She needs you.”

I nodded.

“And you need her.”

I nodded again.

“It’s not that I’m saying you aren’t independent or anything… but it happens to even the best people.” He stopped for a moment. “It’s actually pretty scary.”

I nodded, not saying anything. I agreed with him. Love is pretty scary sometimes. You can’t have any part of it that doesn’t have a little poison in fair portion.

“I need a smoke,” I told Niall, and got out before he could reply.

The afternoon light was blunt, having a bit non-existent feel to it. Like the proverbial heaven’s light, simultaneously being and not being there. I felt the crisp air creeping behind my neck as I headed out. I need a smoke and a walk… and I have to go to Jane for no particular reason. God, am I—