Life, learning and discerning trust

Change of life.

I look and I search for answers and a sense of belonging but I resurface from the sea only with more darkness than that of the lowest depth of the sea itself. the shallowness from my heart beats all that can be experienced.

I tried, I failed. I siege, I lost. I attempted, I struggled. life is just a series of reverse feelings only waiting for the external force to bring life back to the right road.

But just as you believe that the force of saving has arisen, just as you believe that it is the external force you need has come to help set you free from this cursed cycle, just as you think one more time ill trust my feelings, just as u think that it is now ok and that u have nothing to fear about you are actually just being lulled into a false sense of security whereby the ultimate breaking blow will be struck onto you.

This will be a blow which is so powerful and so severe that in a split-second you will be brought to your knees without knowing what has just happened. Only to realise this false security is due to trusting the wrong person too much and thinking that it is different this time. That this time is not like the last, this time everything is different that it will change, it must have changed. It should have gotten better.

Even though it has been so long the fear has only been suppressing not overcome. it has only been ignored not forgotten nor accepted. The subconscious mind is still active with fear of the past and of the hurt which results in blood that can never be seen with the naked eye. Not being able to accept that the trust has been misgiven and that it has been broken. Not being able to accept that the other person has walked away with all that I had and left me with nothing but a broken fragment of what I once had, my soul my pride my heart and most importantly my consciousness. Being deluded and believing that one more try, one more time, one last attempt, it would be different. it won't be like the past. it will be different!!!!

Trust and faith bring one out of all form of fear. forgiving others is the way to receive forgiveness. When I learnt how to let go of my grudges and angry I felt an unspeakable surge of peace and I was no longer controlled by fear or by hurt but I'm controlled by grace and love.

To learn to discern between who is trustable and who is not can only be done with a just and fair judgemental heart which is never led by emotion nor controlled by subjective feelings. If one lets his emotions be the controlling factor of his life then he sees lose trust except for the imperfect one that he experiences.

I learnt that I'm prone to choosing the wrong decisions especially at the heat of the moment being filled with my overwhelming ignorance, allowing my feeling to get to the better of me. I failed to notice my failure in trying to be fair and just in making my decisions. Instead, I allowed my feelings to overpower the righteousness of my choices.

When we get too emotional we also lose sight of our ability to make the right choices. Which explains our lack of the ability to discerning between who is trustable and who is not. we trust in the wrong person because we are too emotional, wanting to believe that they are good. But to learn we should be able to accept our mistakes which mean firstly we should learn to overcome our hurt.

The hurt that is needed to be overcome is only possible not when the pain is forgotten but rather when it is accepted. To accept the pain is to accept and forgive the one who brought it upon us in the first place but also to put our pride aside to say that we have been wrong and that we have failed to discern their credibility. To admit that we did make the mistake, that we are not perfect at all, that we failed. but can we really do that? if we can, if I can, then i would have a healing wound, a scar left behind, a closing wound with stains of blood that has dried up and not a fresh pool of blood that is flowing down my arm to the palm of my hand before slowly dripping from the tip of my fingers.

The trust that I have lost would be renewed and I would know that those whom I believed and thought were undeserving of a second chance needs this love and forgiveness much more than me. no grudge or anger can be contained long enough without exploding thus we should let it go, let it explode, explode not with violence but with love and forgiveness! Only when we love the unlovable, reach the unreachable, do the impossible is when we are going through the process of truly forgiving others regardless of whatever hurt that they have done to us. ONLY WHEN WE HAVE FORGIVEN OTHERS WE ARE WORTHY OF LEARNING THE TRUTH OF LOVE AND PEACE AS WE SO EXPERIENCE IT FROM THE PROCESS!!! AND WITH THIS PEACE IS WHEN WE CAN BE SHOWN THE RIGHTEOUS PATH!!! WHEN WE HAVE WALK THROUGH THE PATH THAT WAS DEEMED IMPOSSIBLE THAT WAS DEEMED NOT RIGHT THAT WAS DEEMED CRAZY IS WHEN WE CAN SAY THAT WE HAVE LEARNT TO LEAD LIFE NOT BY A SUBJECTIVE JUDGEMENTAL HEART BUT BY A JUST AND FAIR HEART!!!! THEN WE LEAD A LIFE OF DISCERNMENT AND RIGHTEOUSNESS!