ATARAXIA

LILY

The Lily is the fourth most popular flower in the world. It symbolises purity and refined beauty. It's magnificence exudes an air of majesty and grace. It's colorful and often fragrant petals commanding attention.

I am a Lily.

Both by name and in being. So my grandmother has told me since I was little.

Lily Lorraine Damort.

I believe her.

For my grandmother "Lily"  has always probably meant more than just me.  She adores the flowers. She adores me.

Today I woke to a white lily, in a white vase, on my dresser. Modesty and new beginnings.  That's what she's telling me. 

I smiled. Again,  I believe her.

              ********************

31st July.

Plop.

The little stone makes a series of perfect ripples as it lands in the lake. I count six in all. I throw another one.

I am leaving home today. Going off to college far away.  And my tummy is in knots.

I took an early walk to the lake nearby.  Where I am it's no more than just a shallow edge covered by some heavy greenery. It's almost like a cave.  Water lilies float on the surface of the water,  adding color to the otherwise dark green surroundings.

This is my happy place.

And this is the last I will see of it for a while. For a long long time.

I am quiet,  completely at peace with my natural companions when my phone vibrates. It's a text from my mom.  Time to get ready.

I take my time walking home.

                 ****************

"Lily!! Time to go sweetie! "

" Down in a sec! "

It's 11:23 AM.  My minion alarm clock (which I have to leave behind) blinks the time at me. The finality of being in this room is setting in and I guess I feel sad.

For the past few weeks I have been super excited.  Which could be the biggest understatement even. I have been ecstatic.

I normally like routine.  A mapped out plan for everything.  But I also crave change.  I am a paradox.

I give myself a one over in the mirror.  I am wearing a charcoal grey checkered shirt,  black jeans and black converse sneakers. Simply dressed for a journey of at least 24 hours. I grab my back pack and head downstairs.

I am just in time to shield my eyes from the series of flashes that hit me as I reach the landing.

"Mum!"
"Oh no young lady.  Don't ruin my pictures. I need them. "

She stops to check the camera. Then takes a couple more pictures with me posing this time.  When she looks up from checking the last batch her eyes are teary.

" I am gonna miss you baby.  Your dad would be so proud of you. "
She's hugging me tight.

" Okay now break it up now. Linden will be here in a few minutes."

"Wait,  what?! Why? "

" The boy wanted to say bye,  see you off,  something. So I said yes.... "

We face off. Linden has always been my friend. The boy living down the street that I have always liked but never been brave enough to tell. And somehow my mum knows.

" If not anything else at least let him have this little girl." The commanding voice of my granma is not to be disputed. She walks in and I know mum has some strong backing.  Granma knows too.

I look between the two and my heart melts.  These two are my world.  My everything.

"Aww okay fine. Linden can come.  I will miss you two. "

" You better," granny says with a straight face.  This makes us all laugh uneasily.  Lot of emotions being held in here.
            
                ****************
Later at the airport Linden gives me a necklace that says "Taleiyah".

Nobody ever uses that name.  It was my dad's special name for me and since he left, no one uses it.

My eyes are clouded when I look up.
"Thanks. " I whisper even though mum and granma are a little distance away from us.

"You're welcome."

Beat.

"I hate that you're leaving.... "

Beat.

"Say something?"

"I.... "

" I like you Taleiyah. And I know this is too late but I just had to tell you.... "

I don't know what to say and we stay like that for a while. He kisses me goodbye.  Smack on the lips.

And somehow I manage to feel most alone on a plane full of people.
We take off.