I'm not asking for attention. Im not asking for help. I just want to write what I'm feeling. I know others can relate. Maybe knowing there is someone out there going through the same thing, will help you.
Do you have that feeling. You know, the one you feel in your gut when you know you're in love with someone. At the same time, you have a tremendous pain in your chest knowing one day it'll end? It feels like you're being crushed and you can't help yourself.
It's almost like I'm drowning. I can't tell anyone because who would want to listen to my drama? I just sit here. Knowing the crushing pain of my heart shattering into a million pieces will one day come. How do I know? Because it always happens. They all leave, everyone leaves.
I wanna cry and ask him why I'm feeling this way. But I can't. I don't want to push him away anymore than I think I am. If I even am. Maybe it's all in my head. I'm overthinking everything again. Like I always do.
Maybe I'm just getting bad again. Everyone just thinks it's all in my head. That I want attention. But it's real. It's all too real. It's a disease and almost everyone has it. Some die from it. Others are merely trying to survive. Me? I don't know what I'm doing. Part of me wants to end it all. Get rid of all the turmoil and drama my life causes. I could end it with the pills made to stop me from ending it. How ironic.
If he could just understand and not go away. Not be overwhelmed by the attention and constant reassurance that I need so I know I'm not being annoying or clingy. I want to know that he loves me, through all the bad. I want to know that he won't leave. Because I feel, if he leaves, I'll leave.
For good.
