Okay, this is a bit ironic for me to talk about myself while being timid at the same time. So bear with me here, this might come off as a personality roller coaster.(Which means I can be closed in some paragraphs, and then very expressive in some other paragraphs.) I also like to make sure everyone knows what I mean, and I want it to be easy for you guys to understand; So don't get the wrong idea of me thinking that you guys are dumb; because you're not.
As the title says, this chapter is about being timid. Timid as in being shy, closed, quiet, and so on. Something that clings to me for as long as I could remember.
Some of the things I like about being timid is that I can be an isolated island; I am independent in a way that I am more aware of my personal health and school work, I can take care of myself and I can listen in class to know what I need to do instead of asking others. I can get some time where I can get some alone time and be happy. No drama! I won't go spilling my secrets or anything personal to random people that you either don't know or don't really talk too much, decreasing the rate of creating rumours or drama!(Because I want to focus on my grades and get into a good university full of people that also focuses on their studies in a decent amount.)
But there are some negative sides of this personality; I can't verbally express well, not being able to talk to strangers or even friends, not being able to speak up for myself, bottling up feelings or not being able to share burdens.
Being a bit socially awkward had made a lot of stories to tell about it, I'd love to talk about all of them, but I'll focus on recent encounters.
So today(13/4/2017) there was a Chinese Culture Festival at school, and there were booths that sold really delicious snacks. So,Yume and I went over the the food booths right away to buy the snacks. Yume and I sort of got separated in the crowd, so being the independant being I am, I just went to buy something and then look for her later. At the booth, everyone was everywhere; crowding around the person that sells stuff, no one lined up, instead everyone was just pushing their way to the guy selling the shit and they were speaking up to get the guy's attention so they get to buy the snacks. Me being very very uncomfortable with the situation, I wanted to gather up the courage to say, 'Hey there! I would like to buy that thing over there! Here's my money! Thank you!'
But nooooooo. I just 'lined up' and somehow made my way to the guy with my money and stared at him, waiting for him to see a fellow customer wanting to buy a snack with her money that would go to a charity or something. Finally, after I paid for the food, they needed me to wait for the change. So I stood there... Poker Face plastered onto my face to show everyone that I was calm while screaming bloody murder internally... I had to awkwardly stand there at the counter while other people push around... My personal bubble already abused and violated to an extent that I just wanted to go home and shower for ten times.
And when the dust clears, I came out of the crowd to find Yume as if I have came back from an intense war. So really, it took me probably two to five minutes (<- Actually took that long -Yume) to complete a task that can be done within thirty seconds to one minute. All because of me not being able to utter out some words.(I'm sowwie! XD)
Next, I am not comfortable with talking to anything that is a homosapien; stranger or friend, friends are easier to talk to though.(Unless communication is in email or chat, then I'll seem fine.)
I am usually aware of the 'Stranger Danger' rule, since I also have trust issues. No offense, but how do I know if some people want to find me and kidnap or blackmail me? And a lot of people out there(Or in school) are either jerks, ignorant, or mean. How do I know if some people are nice or mean?
Apart from the 'Not Being able to Order' fiasco, there was this other time on that same day(13/4/2017) it was time for Yume and I's shift to do face and/or hand painting at the Chinese Culture festival, I was at some point able to try to help someone draw something on their hand. So I sat down, paint in hand, customer in front of me. I needed to hold the person's hand in order to draw, but I can't do that because I have this thing called personal space(<- This shouldn't be bold, it would be even more slanted if possible.) So I didn't touch the person's hand as much as possible, but I wasn't able to draw the image properly due to my angle and limitation, so I sort of gave the paint back to R(If you read Yume's The Daily Life of Admin, chapter 'Ha... Haha...', You'd know what I mean.) and just gave up.(I'm sowwie, Yume, R was a bit annoyed with me taking over her spot anyways. T^T) So I just paused my actions and thought about how pathetic this is. My personal space bubble (Quote unquote) "Gets bigger everyday"(-Yume 2k16) and it' not helping much.
Not being able to speak up- I really can't, it's like I don't have a voice in this world or something. Can't they hear me at all?
So during lunch today(13/4/2017) Yume, I, and a bunch of other friends were sitting at our second usual spot to have lunch together, there is this other group of guys that are in our class (This time just three or four) were also there. (Oh god it's that stupid thing they did isn't it? -Yume) Let's call them B, W, J, and Su (<--That I forgot about for a few seconds of writing this. Sorry, Su XD) So at some point, B, W, and Su lifted up J by his limbs and started carrying him around as if he was a battle ram or some sort screaming their asses off about something, until I heard my name. I decided to get up to throw something into the trash can so that I can be a few metres away from the chaos that was about to happen.
But I was wrong.
Those people ship J and I(And it sucks.)
Those people decided that it was a bright idea to get J and I together.(I don't know what they were planning, I am and was hoping that they were thinking of putting him down when they reach me if they actually did trap me, since J was being carried legs first.) and that was when I was walking back to Yume. I spotted their little scheme of match making; 'Fuck no.' I said as I turned around and bolted for an escape, B sort of blocked me for a few seconds which made me sort of 'scream' "Get off" in a more offensive way in Cantonese. No one heard me. Just... I just had to squeeze my way and found somewhere to wait out a for few seconds until the guys calmed down.(Is still traumatized.)
I didn't talk clearly at that time, giving them the wrong idea and such. Why did I not speak more clearly?
And finally, I always seem to bottle up my opinions and/or feelings.
A group project with groupmates are discussing an idea that I don't really think would be effective; 'Okay, that seems fine.'(This is why I hate group projects.) What to draw? A naked guy in just a top hat? Heck no- 'I'll try...?'
I just automatically agreed with them so that I either don't have to speak up or that I didn't want to hurt their feelings.
Well... I just need to somehow learn to be less timid.
XxYume_the_dreamerxX and @Liquid_typewriter21
Word count: 1381
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THE DEPRESSION DIARIES (Rant book)
Random[Please read the introduction chapter for details.]
