This Is For You

Austin

I knew from the beginning to stay away, but I was drawn to you. Maybe it was because you were a "bad boy", and I was a girl desperately looking for adventure. One thing was for sure... you weren't going to be around forever. We both knew it. I should've known from all the times you picked alcohol over me. Even though you knew it tore me apart. You were selfish, and I was forgiving. I just wish I could see our relationship through your eyes. Find out how much of it was fake, how much you used me. It has been almost a year, and I have not fully let go of my anger for hurting the person that cared most about you in this world. I only gave, and you only took. I always told myself I wouldn't be a fool like the other girls. All my morals left as you came. I remember loving all the small things. Your eyes that had as many colors as the Northern Lights. Those hazel eyes were the most alive and sparkling eyes I have ever looked into. They were like crystal balls, I thought I could see a future in them. The day you left, I remember clearly. Its burned into my brain. I wish it'd heal, but its a scar. It was a cloudy day, and I invited you over to build pillow forts. You came, and sat in the corner and played your guitar. I invited you into my room to hold you under a blanket; to just soak you in and let the world disappear. You sat on my bed and looked down at the floor, and then what comes next haunts me... "I don't love you anymore". I thought it was a cruel joke, knew the boy that told me everything i wanted to hear wasn't leaving. As I kept accusing him of kidding, the serious look on his face never went away. The phrase 'I'm only kidding" never came out. It hit me, straight in the gut. I could feel my chest cave in, or maybe it was my heart dying. Stopping. Giving up, on life and love. As he walked out the door, I told him "I would've married you". He stopped for a second, and quietly replied "I know'. After he left, I couldn't breathe for hours. My pillow was drenched in tears. I cried out everything I had, and eventually became numb. For the longest, I wasn't mad. I didn't throw his stuff away, I as was still holding onto the idea that he'd come to his senses- that he'd come back. He didn't, and I finally realize that I don't want him to. Austin, you may have torn me apart. Made me question my worth. But I did learn many lessons from you. So for that, i thank you. You taught me to have confidence in my appearance, that I can love someone more than myself or any material items. You also taught me that the devil can look like an angel, and to know that anyone can hurt you. No matter how much they act like they want to only save you.

Austin,  I still have anger in my heart. But I know one day I'll forgive you. And i hope one day you can find someone that loved you as much as i did.