love?

2

I go to the back of the library and get out my book and put my ear buds back in and stat to read and tears start to fall. After awhile or like 5 minutes of this a hear someone saying my name so I look up and there is Tyler. He looks worried I wipe away the tears and he sits down across from me. I look at him and he looks back at me.  "Grace..." he says softly. "yes?" I say a little harshly. "Ignore what she says ok? she doesn't know anything" I shake my head "No Tyler that's not true. The thing is she knows everything. Your the one wh-who knows nothing...." I trail off and look down ashamed. He looks taken aback. "wh-what don't I know Grace?"  I keep looking at the floor but roll up my sleeves to show the scares. I hear him gasp and feel his hand feel the scares gently as if to see if they are real. "G-grace..... wh-why?" I almost started laughing, it's almost like he asked 'why? you were so happy not long ago?'. I don't answer and keep my eyes trained on the ground. they blur and a wave of dizziness hits me. Black forms at the edges of my vision, o not now you stupid broken things!!! I close them count to 5 and open and it helps a little bit. I feel him lift up my head and i see through the blurriness his worry. "Gracey.... why? what made you hurt your beautiful self?" now I laugh "What made me hurt myself? starve myself? what made me depressed and almost killed myself so many times?" I laugh like a lunatic again but then I stare into his beautiful eyes "You will do what the other did to. You'd leave me... I can't lose my last friend... don't you understand!" I run my hands trough my hair again and the stupid tears came again. "Tyler... why do you care? There's nothing you could do to save me from myself... I'm to broken to be saved from anyone. I'm a lost cause. don't you understand." I say desperately  and I get up and walk off leaving him there. I feel bad for leaving him there but it's for the best. I go on with school and rush home before he could get to me. I get home and cry. I cradle my head in my hands. It's getting to me. The edges appear black again. The pounding won't stop, why won't it stop! I get up and drunk walk because I'm so dizzy to the bathroom. On the way there I grab my scissors. I get there and i feel so awful, I start a cut, deep and sure. I see the blood rushing out as if it hates being in me too. I watch the blood run out of my body, it's memorizing. It started to slow down so i made a fist and more came out. I sighed in relief, it felt as if when the blood ran out so did the pain. That everything was going to be ok. Soon it stopped running and slowed to a walk again. The pain was still there when the blood stopped moving. I made another mark and did it again, and again until I had 7 new marks. I felt.... better. I wash the blood off the sink and my scissors and then hid them.  I lay down and feel like myself, my old self. The happy one, the one everyone liked, the one that understood her feelings. The one that loved food. Suddenly I feel.... hungry? I haven't felt this in weeks... months even.... I-I almost forgotten what it's like. I put my hoodie on and go downstairs and to my mom "Hey! question, what's for dinner?" I ask and she looked at me in shock. I haven't seemed cheerful asked that in months it shocked her. "I don't know what do you want to eat?" she says brightly. I shrug and say " I have no clue i'm just... hungry, so I figured I'd ask" she nods and goes to look what we have to eat. After dinner I sit and watch tv with my family, another rarity. As I'm watching a thought popped in my head, a good one so it was weird. Maybe I'm getting better, the cutting is working. The thought was this 'I'm in love' I couldn't figure out with who or why. I mean I'm me, all I feel is sadness and depression not love. My mind is being a new kind of cruel, making me thinking that I'm normal, that I could be loved or in love. I shake it off unless it's with death then it's not true.