Envy

He had it all. All I ever wanted. I suffered every time I saw him laugh because I knew he had something more than me. Always a step ahead of me aren't you, little brother? Well, not any more...

We finished university with high grades and high hopes for the future. Josh had already been hired in BBC as an editor. Me? Well, I was still looking. I had been offered a job in several places but I rejected them all. I was looking for the perfect one. Sort of as when you're looking for "the one", but with jobs.

    Josh and I were roommates in university. We were lucky. We've always slept in the same room so it didn't matter much. Our mum always told us we were inseparable. People didn't talk about Matt or Josh. We were Matt and Josh.

    So it wasn't surprising when I started feeling jealous. After all I was in the front seat to his success. It seemed that every time he gained something, my life got worse. When he met Jeanine and started dating her, I created a profile in Tinder to try and have what he had.

    And the jealousy just got worse. Josh had recently asked Mary to marry him. I felt I had to be happy for him, after all he is my brother. But all I could feel was envy. At the party, Josh expected me to make a toast but I just couldn't. I thought I might say something rude. I didn't want that. I loved my lil' brother. But I loved what he had even more...

Josh and Mary eventually moved out of our tiny flat into a house in the suburbs. He told me I could visit him anytime, I would always be welcomed. I didn't want to visit, I wanted to have that house, that life. We bid each other farewell and left it at that. I already missed him from the moment he left. At least I could live without feeling jealous anymore. Or could I?

I didn't get over my envy of him. I still wanted to be in his place, have the things he had. Everything. I tried to bury this feelings inside me as deep as possible. But they always returned. It reached a point where I could no longer think straight or sensibly. I compared each aspect of my life to Josh's. I thought I would go insane. I needed help.

I entered a psychiatric hospital. I seemed the only sensible solution at the time. I told everyone I had suicidal impulses. My family wanted to visit me but I refuse to accept any visitors. I wanted to be alone.

I started doing group activities on trust, confidence and all those mental issues. I knew I didn't need them, but I had to play along. Otherwise, I didn't know what to do.

A couple of years went by. The doctors said that I was okay. I told them I wanted to kill myself. They didn't believe me... I packed my things and took the bus home.

Life was as normal as it could be after that. I got a job in a high class hotel as manager and bought a luxurious car. Things were finally looking up for me. I did receive some calls from my brother, which I ignored. I couldn't risk it.

By the time autumn came, I thought thee feelings were long gone. Little did I know they were just waiting to be triggered. Josh called me, and as usual, I did not answer. This time though, he left a message.

"Hey uh, it's Josh. I don't know if you remember me anymore. You've not answered any of my calls. But that is not the point, I um... I'm having a party this Friday, and I wondered if you could come. I really miss you big brother. The doctors called me and said you were fine but... I prefer to see for myself. Well, I hope you can spare some of your time for this. Really looking forward to it. Bye."

Thoughts swarmed my mind. Emotions. I felt nostalgic and guilty. I wanted to see him. I made my choice. Risky as it was, I had made it. I would go to the party, apologise to him and have a good time.

    Friday came and I drove off to Josh's house. He lived relatively close. It was a 20 minute drive through the motorway. I started practising what I would say when I saw him. I couldn't decide in which way to tell him: "I know I've avoided you. It was on purpose."

    I got there early. The party members weren't there yet. I knocked on the door and hear footsteps run down the stairs. Josh opened the door. I greeted him with a smile. He hugged me. Tears filled my eyes.

    "I sorry" I said mid cry.

    "It's fine, we're all good now, aren't we" he pulled back and gave me a confident smile.

    "Yeah we are"

    He took me into his house. I heard a child cry "Daddy! Who is it from upstairs."

    "Denny, come down here. It's your uncle Matt" yelled back Josh.

    A small boy that looked five tumbled down from upstairs. He had the same face as Josh. Same eyes. Same nose. It was almost as a mini Josh. But he was blonde, like Jeanine. "Uncle Matt? You're my uncle? You look like a troll"

    "Denny!" Josh looked at him with a typical father look.

    "Sorry, Uncle Matt. My name is Denny and I am four. Pleased to met you." Denny introduced himself.

    "Meet, Denny. Pleased to meet you" corrected Josh.

    "Pleased to meet you" said Denny looking embarrassed.

    "Nice to meet you too, Denny." I answered.

    "Now, go to mum and tell her to stop spending so much time in the bathroom." Josh messed with his son's hair. "Come on Matt, food's ready."

    "I thought this was a party..." I took a seat on the side of the table.

    "Sorry to disappoint you partyboy. It is a small party." he winked.

Jeanine came in from the kitchen with a plate full of pork. "Done. Oh, hi Matt, you did come after all."

My stomach rumbled. "Yes, just for the food though. Nice to see you too Jeanine, you're looking great! And that pork looks juicy!"

"Jeanine spent all evening making it. It is as good as it looks," Josh picked piece and set it down on his own plate. I did the same and so did Jeanine. We ate while we talked. Several topics came out. I knew Josh didn't want to say it but he wanted to know why I had been avoiding them all this time. So, I said, "I'm sorry I've avoided you all this years. But I had to. When we finished university I started to feel really jealous of you. The feeling reached a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm sorry."

Josh smiled mildly. "Don't worry about it now. We're all happy with our lives at the moment aren't we?" Jeanine and I nodded.

I looked at my watch and noticed it was well past eleven. "Um... I'm sorry but I have work to do for tomorrow. It was nice to see you again. Next time I'll invite you two and little Denny to my flat."

    "Looking forward to it" responded Josh. "Take care."

    "You too." With that I left and drove home. I pulled on my pajamas and went to bed...

...

"That is what happened officer"

"Sir, we received a call from a four year old saying he heard screams downstairs. When we arrived you were raping the child's mother. His father, your own brother, was tied to the dining table bleeding to death. He had several cuts on his chest area, and a severe cut on his leg."

"But that's impossible... Officer, I swear, I just..."

"You will be judged by the supreme court next week. Good night."

With that, he left and locked the cell door.

"That's impossible," I whispered "Impossible..."