i'm(not) fine

i often get the question: how are you? i will allways answer with i'm fine.

When i get asked if i'm okay i will allways say yes i'm okay.

But the truth is i'm not okay and i am not fine.

Sometimes i just want somebody to look me in the eye and say i know you're not.

I know wat it's like to lie and say that you're fine or okay just because you don't want to bother anyone with your problems.

When i ask somebody how they are and they say i'm fine i ask again.

I have told this lie so often but i am one of those people who care about the answer.

I have been there, i'm still there actually.

2 years ago i would come home from school and go straight to my room, lock the door and lay down on my bed. I would burst into tears. I got bullied really bad. My parents knew i had been bullied but they didn't know it was this bad. I got up everday before everyone else so i could but on a thick layer of make up, so nobody knew i had cried. I was scared to go to school. i remember wishing that i could be strong enough to stand up to those who bullied me and when i finally did i got hit in the face, mutiple times.

From that day forward i learned how to fights.

For some i may seem agressive but i just don't want to be hurt again physically or emotionally.

although i was getting stronger i was still afraid of them.

I remember hoping,praying to something that i could look beautiful enough today glasses and all for the ruthless people i called "my "friends"  but no matter how hard i tried,they allways told me i was not good enough, never good enough.

Since then things have changed

What started as crying myself to sleep has turned in to not sleeping at all, i suffer from insomnia.

Most of the time i just stare at the wall with my thoughts racing. Everyday i think about self harm and suicide. I used to me this happy little girl, well she died years ago. i am just thinking of a way so my mind can follow.

oh and if any of my friends read this, don't ever ask why i am so quiet, nobody plans a murder out loud.

more stories will follow