The Darkness

Her past

My hands were trembling, heart was racing and eyes were watering. I didn't know what to do. I was confused, depressed and overwhelmed. I thought everything as happening because of me. I blamed myself for everything that was happening. I had to blame myself because I knew I was wrong. I made the wrong decisions. Everything was falling apart slowly. I didn't have much time to fix it. I had no other choice. I rushed to my desk to find it. My knife. But just not any knife an exacto knife because I knew the other ones weren't sharp enough. I threw all my papers on the floor panicking because I couldn't find it. Finally I found it under all my scrap paper from math class. I hid it in my sleeve as I walked by my cousin. She asked me what I was looking for and I said my pencil. I lied right to her face and she didn't even realize. I quickly rushed to my room so no one else could see me. I sat on my bed with my back facing the wall. I pulled my blanket towards my legs so I could hide the knife. I was waiting for the perfect time. Finally, my brother slowly exits the room and hear the bathroom door close. He went to take a shower. I knew it was the perfect time. I slowly got up and closed the door. I took my laptop and placed it gently on my lap incase somebody walked in. I slowly pulled the knife from under the blanket. I closed my left fist and tightly as I could. I slowly took the knife and placed it exactly where I wanted it to be. Right on top of my blueish green vein. I slowly started to make an outline. And instead of doing it all at once. I did it many times slowly so I could feel the pain. I wanted to feel the burning sensation in my arm. It gave me peace. The only thing that actually brought peace to my soul. When I did it, blood was gushing out. I thought it was fascinating so I took the blood drops on my knife and wrote 'life sucks' on my arm with my blood. My brother walked into the room and I quickly hide the knife under my blankets again and run to the washroom to wash my wrist off. It was a fresh cut so it stung as the water was rushing down my wrist but I carried on. I rubbed the blood off of my wrist. I looked at my arm and was disappointed in myself. I hadn't realized what I had done. I grabbed the towel behind me and dried off my arm. I turned the washroom lights off and shut the door behind me. I went back to my bed when I realized that my knife was still there. I took the knife and hid it under my mattress. I don't know where else to put it. It was late at night. My brain was half asleep. I still haven't had any clue of what I had just done. I was so clueless. I yanked the cord out of my laptop and threw my laptop on my table. I slowly slipped my body into bed and pulled my blanket over me. I turned my head towards the wall so nobody could see me. My eyes were blood shot red. I was crying. I was depressed, overwhelmed and disappointed. I didn't know what was going on or what I wanted. I just stared at my blank wall and cried all night. I couldn't fall asleep. All night I was thinking about my past. The things I did wrong. My decisions. My father leaving my mother. My father abandoning my brother and I. My mother begging for him to stay. But he didn't care. He left. He didn't even look back once as if we were no one. I was older and stronger. I took care of myself but my brother he couldn't. He was very young when it all happened. He didn't know what was going on. He loved my father immensely. He didn't want him to leave. He cried for him to stay. But he didn't care. He left as if we were nobody.  I couldn't believe my eyes. The person who gave birth to us just left. My parents eventually got a divorce. We lived with my uncle for 6 months. They were the best 6 months of my life. My uncle lived right across the street to my best friend at the time. I would go to her house everyday and we would play all day long. We would walk to the park and hang on the monkey bars. We got blisters on our hands but we didn't care because we had fun and that's all that mattered. It was about time for us to move out. My mom found a condo infront of the small local mall of our town. We didn't have much money to afford a house so a condo was our only option. To be honest I loved that place. We finally moved out. It was a final good bye to my best friend. I didn't know when I would see her again. It was the summer of 2007 when it all happened. It may seem like forever ago but in my mind it seems like it only happened yesterday. It was a 2 bedroom, 2 washroom apartment which was pretty descent for what we were paying. I lived with my mother, grandparents and brother. It may seem like a lot of people living on one apartment but we managed to fit in.