When I was fourteen I first read the Biography of Malcolm X by Alex Haley. Reading that book opened my mind in many ways. Before reading the book I thought Malcolm was basically MLK and stood for the same thing, I was wrong thinking that. It came to a surprise when I read that Detroit Red was a criminal and a drug addict. He got his stuff together when he joined the Nation of Islam while in prison for B&E.
When I was fourteen Malcolm and Pac were my role models; they took nothing and turned it into something. They were roses that grew from concrete. Tupac influenced me to start writing because he wrote poetry and then turned his poetry into rap. He taught me to be humble, he taught me to express myself. I read all of his writing, listened to all of his music. I started my own writing, my own poetry you can call it. I fairly enjoyed it, I even started buying dictionarys trying to enlarge my grammar. I'd write a page or two a day, I filled four 80 page books up with my writing and 70 notes on electronics.
When I was 14 I wanted to change the world when I was older. Thats a bold thought from a young mind I guess, but I really thought I was able to do so. As I progressed through the years and experienced more things I started to understand that you can't change the world unless you change yourself.
Im 16 now and thats not far from where I started. Im still very influenced by Pac and Malcolm Little. Besides that not very much has stayed the same as then, a lot of people have moved on including myself.
A part of me misses what once was; deep down I feel everyone misses what once was. A point in time where everything sure as hell felt perfect.
Life is a blessing and a curse.
We're born alone and we die alone.
Happiness is the ultimate goal, some find it in material things and others find it emotional connections. Sadly both are temporary.
2016/2017 theme seemed to be temporary, temporary people, friends, things, feelings, as a whole my life. Its almost as I could feel my clock ticking slowly, were all slowly dying. This theme made me isolate myself from everyone, that and my anxiety.
My anxiety formed depersonalization, which is the reason why I don't smoke weed. My life constantly feels like a vague sad dream. I shut out all of that toxic shit in my body, weed, alcohol, slowly sugar. I watched people in my family try to fight their sorrows through alcohol, they swam in it. Thats why I don't drink, that let a lone brought my life deep unhappiness. Writing helps me feel connected, most of the time I feel out of touch. Also I feel very alone in world full of people, like no ones there to listen. Thats mostly my fault, I close people out of my life as quick as they come into it.
I deeply crave someone in a relationship form but Im mislead by my trust issues. Plus I take a lot of alone time to reevaluate myself and situations. I just want someone to understand me and get me for once.
I just want to feel needed and loved.
