fools | ᴶᴴˢ × ᴷᴺᴶ

十一

ㅡ ❝I still want it all.❞

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When Hoseok opened his eyes he had absolutely no idea where he was, at least not for some time. He yawned and sat up in his bed, rubbing his eyes as his vision was blurry and he wanted it gone. When he was finally able to see probably he took a closer look at the room's interior and realized that it wasn't his own room, but he knew the room too well. In fact it was Namjoon's bedroom, and suddenly it made sense to him to wake up at the younger's place as he never went bacjk home. In fact he didn't only stay over, but he had had sex with the younger. Well, Hoseok preferred to call it 'making love' instead of sex. Sex was something for people who didn't have feelings involved in the act, but the both of them shared a whole lot of emotions. No, it hadn't been sex, they had made love and Hoseok was so full of it and he felt warm. He had loved every single second of it, because during those times he always knew he belonged to Namjoon, because Namjoon would show him all of him, and give him all of himself. Hoseok belonged to Namjoon, he knew he did, and Namjoon belonged to him just as much.

Hoseok took a look at the still sleeping Namjoon lying beside him. Hoseok lay back down beside him, a hand now caressing the younger's cheek. He didn't want to wake him up, but he couldn't restrain himself from touching the younger. It felt like a dream to Hoseok, and he never wanted to wake up again. Hoseok smiled softly as Namjoon mumbled some uncoherent words in his sleep. Hoseok's hand moved up to the younger's hair and he stroked through it, feeling the softness of the strands. He scooted closer to the younger, cuddling up against the younger's chest. Namjoon brought him closer in his sleep and mumbled something again. Hoseok didn't understand, but there was no need to as long as he could stay in Namjoon's arms. He enjoyed every second of it and he didn'T even notice when he fell back asleep.

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The next time he opened his eyes he was faster to realize that he wasn't in his own bed. He blinked a few times, and when he finally turned to lay on his back he found Namjoon in a sitting position, watching him. Hoseok dared to smile a little, and his smile only grew as the younger smiled back at him. However, Hoseok's smile faded as fast as it had appeared as he looked into the younger's eyes. There were so many emotions displayed in the depths of the younger's dark eyes, but the emotions that overshadowed all the others was regret. Hoseok frowned slightly, questioning himself what the younger might regret, but to be honest it didn't take him long to understand what he was regretting. The last night, in the younger's eyes it had been a mistake, something they should have never done and Hoseok couldn't even be mad at the younger for feeling that way. Thinking about it again even made Hoseok question if it was right. After all, they weren't a couple anymore and Hoseok had hurt him so much. Of course Namjoon would regret it, no matter how pleasurable it might have been for him.

Hoseok contemplaited apologizing to the younger, but before he could say anything Namjoon was already talking.
"I can't believe we did this." He muttered, still looking down at Hoseok, but this time there was anger in the younger's eyes. Hoseok shivered slightly. He sat up, but didn't dare to look at Namjoon any longer. Hoseok had probably managed to hurt the younger even more with his actions, but to be fair, Hoseok wasn't the only one to blame this time. "Why? Hoseok, why did you do this to me?" Namjoon asked him and for a few seconds Hoseok didn't know how to respond. However, his previous thought hit him right in the face: he wasn't the only one to blame, not this time.

"What? What did I do to you?" Hoseok questioned, finally looking the younger into his eyes. Namjoon took a deep breath in at that, obviously not satisfied with Hoseok not apologizing to him right away. Hoseok hated the fact that Namjoon was taking so long to answer. "Namjoon, what did I do to you?" he asked again, this time his voice was a little harder. He knew the younger was blaming their last night, their 'mistake' at him.

"We had sex, hyung." Namjoon stated as if Hoseok wasn't aware of that fact. Hoseok huffed, shaking his head.
"Yes, we had sex. What about it?"
"You left me!" Namjoon called out, his voice far too loud for the room. Hoseok just looked at him for some time with wide open eyes. He had hurt Namjoon, yes, there was no mistaking that, but why did Namjoon have to act that way?
"I did, and I know it was the worst decision I could have ever made!" Hoseok stated, getting up from Namjoon's bed in order to collect his clothes. Namjoon scooted over to the edge of the bed, sitting there and watching Hoseok.
"Hoseok, how could you-"
"Stop. Namjoon, stop it." Hoseok looked back at Namjoon after he put on his shirt and boxer shorts. "You can't just blame me for last night."
"But, you-"
"What? Namjoon you were part of this just as much as I were!" Hoseok stood there, trembling as he wasn't ready to face the younger, especially now that Namjoon was acting like a jerk.

"It was a mistake." Namjoon stated, his voice oddly calm. Hoseok walked over to Namjoon, crouching down in front of him. He looked up at the younger's face, seeing all the pain once again.
"Listen, I know I hurt you, badly. I regret it, I really do. But, please, don't tell me last night was a mistake. Don't tell me you regret it, because all I felt was love and hope that one day you could forgive me." Hoseok said, his eyes filled to the brim with tears. He knew his own regrets were visible in his eyes, and he also knew Namjoon could see them as he stared right into his eyes. Hoseok looked down at the ground for a moment as a few tears finally made it down his cheeks.

"How could I forgive you? You left me." Namjoon stated, but Hoseok could hear the waver in his words. Though, he let out a sob as Namjoon's words cut right through his heart. Hell, he knew what pain he had caused the younger because he felt the same, there was denying that and Namjoon knew it.
"I know I was a fool for every leaving you. I am still a fool, because no matter how often I tell myself that you don't need me, I still hope that you do, because I love you so damn much. I always think that you'd be better off with somebody else, and yet here I am, hoping you would take me back." Hoseok sobbed some more and then got back up onto his feet. "I don't know if you'll ever forgive me, or if you even want to ever forgive me, but at least I'll try to make you forgive me." Hoseok turned around, hiding his face from Namjoon as he couldn't keep the tears from running down and the sobs drom leaving his lips.