It Will Always be You (Sirius Black Fanfic)

Scarlet: Ch Ch Ch Changes

"I don't."

"You hid away from all of us on Valentine's Day. You didn't even show up to the ball."

"Because dances are stupid."

"And you didn't want to see Sirius with Melody."

"Clarissa."

"What?"

"He was with Clarissa at the dance. That's where they got together. Don't think I didn't know. I knew. I, I was there."

"You were? Why didn't you come find me?"

"I didn't want anyone to notice me."

"Why?"

"Because, I just didn't. Besides I was only there a second. I left to go study. My grades have improved greatly, you know. Not that they were hurting before."

"Woman, you're 3rd in the house."

"Oh I know. look I gotta go. Owls start soon, and I promised Lily another study session."

"Wait!"

I stopped and turned around. 

"If it's any consolation, I think you should go. Get some space from all of this, and distance from people. Clear your head. Maybe the distance, and time apart will do both of you some good."

I thought about it. Maybe it was a good idea. Time away, with no chance of running into the other one, see him with his groupies. That sounded like heaven. Leave it to James to come up with a decent idea. I walked over, and hugged my brother. 

"I'm still thinking about it. I don't know James, I mean.....I wanna go. But, I don't."

"You're scared of change. You always have been."

"Not really the mentality that an Aura should have. "

"No, not really."

"Look, I love the brother/sister after school special thing we've got going on right now, but I really do need to study. I'll see you at dinner?"

He frowned at me. James knows when I'm trying to run. Yes, it's a cowardly trait, but it's there. What can I say, I was done with the conversation. I didn't want to talk about Sirius anymore, or about going to America. I just wanted mindless quiet time. 

Despite what I've been telling people, I haven't actually been studying. Well, I have, just not to the extent that I've let on. I've been spending my days in the Room of Requirement. If they wanted to find me they would. But they never bothered me. Over the past few months Remus would come find me, and try to talk me into coming around more. I'd always refuse. He would understand, and stay with me. Unless I requested he leave. Which rarely happened. 

Remus was worried about me more than anyone else. Lily, and Rayne, not so much. It wasn't that they weren't worried, they were. But Lily knew I could handle myself, and Rayne followed the family rule; let them deal and ask for help when needed. I had zero intentions of asking for help. She knew that. So she left me alone. There were limited times that Sirius would come and see me in the ROR, which was always slightly awkward. 

"What are you doing in here?"

"Reading."

Sirius scratched the back of his neck, 

"Why not do that in the common room."

"It's quieter in here."

"Uhhh, are we okay?"

I looked up from my book,

"Yes."

"You just seem so distant."

"I'm fine Sirius. Could you go though, this is a good book and I want to get back to it."

"Ummm, sure."

He started to walk out of the room, but turned around.

"I miss you."

He closed the door, and I went back to my book. 

That was over a month ago. He didn't miss me that much though. He kept himself plenty busy with Ditzy, Mitzy, Ding Dong, and Bubbles. Fun fact, they're all members of the Gigglers. Girls he swore he'd never take out, and yet...well I guess everyone has their weakness. I just, I can't pin point this feeling I get when I see him. My hands get all clammy, my heart beats faster, I feel dizzy at times. And then when he's not around I feel empty. But I always felt that way when he wasn't around. 

And it's not like I'm the only one pulling back. He has too. Aside from the hoards of girls, (which seemed to have multiplied since we called things off), he doesn't want to play wizard's chess with me anymore, he told me we shouldn't share a bed, and when I try to snuggle with him, he pulls away. 

I knew this was going to happen. I fucking knew it. I knew being FWB with him was going to change everything. And I fucking hate change. I LOATHE CHANGE! I want things back to how they were. I don't want to progress, I don't want to come to terms with the feelings I have, I don't want any of that, I just want him back. I just want my best friend, my pillar of strength, my solid rock foundation. I don't count on many people in my life, but Sirius? Besides James, Sirius is the only person I can count on for everything. At least, I thought so. 

Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm too emotional. 

I just wish I could read his mind, know what he's thinking. Know where I stand with him. 

Is that too much to ask?

Yes, yes it is.