Hermes925

06/21 Panic sets in

I don't like my brain right now. I don't want to think about this. I don't even want to write about this, but maybe by doing so I can finally stop thinking about it.

Why haven't I heard from her? I know why. She had to drop her identity and start a new one. If she contacts me with her new id 'they' might put it together and figure out that Tanisha and the new girl are the same person. I'd give it away myself with the way it talked to her and treated her. The fact that she hasn't reached me has to mean she's safe.

It doesn't mean they've caught her. For one, if they had, then they'd be after me next. My friends don't even know that she was discon. They just think she was a bit weird, and that we broke up. It's easier that way. It still stings when someone I haven't told yet says "I haven't seen her online in a while, what happened?", but they almost always follow up with "You're better off without her" when I tell them.

I'm glad that this record is offline, even this could get me in trouble. Especially if she's right. I helped a discon cheat the system. No-one is supposed to be able to do that! I'm good at fixing thing, but next to Tanisha's brother I feel like a rank amateur. I have to use the N•Viron so that I know I'm doing it right. He just knows how to do it, and if he doesn't know he can figure it out! I could have learned a lot from him, but we never actually met.

This is ridiculous. I'm trying not to look at the page as I write. I don't want 'them' so see what I'm writing. I don't want my own eyes to betray me and Tanisha's family. At the same time I'm angry at myself for ever buying into this crap. The creepy looking van I saw outside last week, was just a van. I've never seen it again. There's no-one using my eyes to spy on my friends and neighbours.

I want to find her and tell her that it's all nonsense, just her father's paranoid delusion, but I have no idea how. I should have told her when she was with me. I tried to, but she needed my support more than she needed my cynicism, so I didn't push it. I can't find her in the system, or her late Aunt Gemma. Of course I can't. They're Discons. They not in the system. My N•Viron is going to be useless in this endeavour. Even if I could find a way, that might put her in danger, again though, only if she's right.

I could try doing things the old fashioned way. Asking people. I'm not even sure where the discons will be. They move around. And I'm not going to be able to walk up to them and start asking questions. Especially while I'm still wearing my N•Viron. If I take it off though I could be get killed and no-one would know. It will also look really suspicious if someone is keeping tabs on me. I might find myself cut off, unable to get back in. Doomed to be a discon for the rest of my life.

I'll just have to get over it. I'm never going to see her again. Ever. Simple as that.

Fuck.

I just need to focus on my game work. Fix all the things! Earn lots of Arpies! Keep my mind busy so I don't have the time or the head-space to think about Tanisha and her mind-bending discon conspiracy theories.