Saving Grace (Narry)

One

One

Another dinner was had in silence between the two of us. We have had another fight about family and what the right move for ours in particular would be. My side of the argument focused more of how I felt in my heart whereas Niall was focused more on the logical aspects of reality. Apparently, I was just a dreamer who only saw what I wanted, without paying attention to how I was going to achieve it with the consequences that could happen along the way, ending my dream altogether. I didn't enjoy it when Niall talked to me like I was stupid. I wasn't stupid and what  I wanted wasn't stupid either. 

I wished that Niall could just understand where I was coming from. I listened to him whenever he went off about how choosing surrogacy would be the closet thing to us having our own child. Of course, the problem was that I wouldn't be completely happy because the child would only be a half of a whole and I wasn't too fond of sharing my DNA or Niall's with some random woman that neither of us loved, and she wouldn't have loved us either. I know that it all sounds crazy that I don't want to do it that way but it's just how I felt.

Plus, there's the topic that I tend to rather avoid whenever Niall points it out. I don't need the obvious thrown in my face and I didn't like the fact that people, and sort of him, would use that against me, against him, and against us. As I learned to form my own opinions, I always saw love as love. Love didn't know sex or gender but it knew living things. 

Not everyone is comfortable letting gay couples adopt children. If they have to give up their child or choose to, then they could also choose the option of never knowing where they child ended up. Yeah, that's a little morbid and cruel but I'm trying to make my case that it's okay for two men or two women to raise a baby as their own, with their love and devotion that someone else seemed to have lacked or didn't think they could give. I just want to be able to give that to someone other than just Niall. 

They want a better life for their child. Well, same sex couples are sometimes that option. 

It's not everyone. There are women who actually enjoy being surrogates to couple of the same sex or do not care who their child ends up with. They sign off their child, making it no longer theirs, even if they still want to be a part of their life. 

That was another point that Niall was trying to make with me. What if, wherever our child came from,  a third party wanted to get involved? Would that feel like a family to me? He didn't mean like overbearing relatives either. 

To be honest, I haven't really thought of how to answer that because all I would say back to him was that I didn't know because I still didn't have a child. Apparently, I sounded selfish but I felt that he was being the same because all he was doing was convincing me that I wasn't ready for this. He never put his feelings into words on the matter. Maybe that was what he was masking.

I am ready. I am not selfish. I am just tired of waiting for the day that I get to hold a child and look down at them with such adoration. 

Niall isn't selfish either. He's just scared. I wish he could just tell me that it was. I was tired of trying to read him. 

I know we can get through this together if we could just come to terms on something. 

"Dinner was good tonight, babe." I commented, being the first to speak after our brief argument. I swallowed my last bit of the pasta that he made for us, dabbing the napkin on along my mouth before setting it down onto my now empty plate.

"Thanks." He mumbled, his fork moving his short noodles around his plate. He couldn't even make eye contact with me. I missed his blue eyes. Sure, I was able to see them whenever we argued or when I was able to catch a glance at them. It wasn't the physical aspect of his eyes that I missed. It was the happiness I caught in his expressive eyes that I missed.