late night poems.

1:09 am

things are going well for me.
that terrifies me
i'm so used to my life falling apart seconds after happiness.
i've trained myself to never get too happy because it won't last.
i can't rely on feelings anymore.
i have wonderful people in my life which causes me to be cold
because if i don't get close, it can't hurt me.
except it hurts so fucking bad.
isolation's my biggest fear but i'm wired to isolate myself anytime someone tells me they love me.
because i don't deserve it knowing that i'll leave them so they couldn't do it first.
i crave love and warmth so why can't i let my walls down every once and while to defrost this winter heart.
it burns as it's icy exterior deflects any love that comes its way.