A Black Woman (Book 2)

And I Can't Find My Heart

"Roshni," I extend a hand and notice that hers is smaller than mine if that's possible, and it's as warm and friendly as her smile. I want to dislike her, but she's too nice.

I wish my food was ready.

"Yeah, sorry about that. Roshni, this is my girlfriend Crystal. Crystal, this is an old friend, Roshni."

...girlfriend.

...old friend.

I'm pathetic. I really am pathetic.

"Nice to meet you Roshni!" Another bright flash.

"You, too" I've always envied white and perfect smiles. I smile through closed lips.

...girlfriend.

Malik smiles at me, and it's off, but that could me projecting. Crystal nudges him, "You order yet? Mom said she wants an extra shrimp fried rice and two more eggrolls."

Wow. I had no idea I could hurt worse, but I do. He knows her family. That means they're serious.

"Oh, yeah. Lemme go up there."

What propelled me to come inside today? I could've went through the drive thru and never experienced this. Now, I have to sit through this bullsh*t feeling salty while I wait for my food.

I.Feel.So.Bad....washed up...pathetic...loveless...and I look like a bum.

I trace lines on the table top.

"You're the one Malik knows from school?"

I don't look up. It's dangerous to meet another woman's eyes when she's asking an iceberg question. I know without thinking too hard that she's fishing for information on me, but I also know that she probably has more information on me than I realize.

She's cyberstalked me...and I'm probably going to cyberstalk her after I leave here.

"Yeah, high school. We went to the same university for a year. That's about it."

But that's not it...obviously. We had a summer fling before we went off to college and stayed 'friends'. He dated some...I dated some...we got back together for a few months...then broke it off but stayed friends...again...tried the platonic friend thing the rest of our freshmen year and all of our sophomore year...then got back together our junior year and he transferred his senior year and we dated for over a year...had bad awkward sex followed by redemptive great sex...broke up a month later. Avoided each other until we graduated...made nice-nice a year later...exchanged fake happy messages to touch base...and then--ta-da-- here we are.

I'm tired thinking about it.

"Oh, cool."

Malik is back soon with wavering smile.

"Rah'ney!" I'm so thankful, I smile at the mispronunciation of my name: he almost called me Rodney.

I get up, so grateful, retrieve my hot food tucked safely into a thick brown paper bag. Heat emanates from the bag, as I turn around with a plastic smile and wave at the couple with my left hand balancing the bag and my right hand waving at them, "Y'all have a good day."

"You, too!" Crystal chirps followed by Malik's velvety, "Nice to see you again, Roshni."

And I'm out the door.

I spend the night crying over fried rice as I stuff my face with eggrolls.

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February 5th

It doesn't feel the same.