Ikea Helpline {DISCONTINUED}

1 - "That policy is from Spongebob."

BOLD = LACEY 
NORMAL = JAY

"Hello, Ikea Helpline, how may I be of assistance to you?"

"Okay first things first, why do you sound so gormless? When people call Helplines they should be greeted by a happy sounding voice. Not a voice that sounds like you're on the verge of crying."

"Well, when a 19-year-old has been forced to work here full time instead of going to uni all because their family wanted a family discount on the Swedish meatballs and colourful furniture then they tend to want to cry for 90% of their day."

"Oh. Okay then?"

"Yeah, now how may I be of assistance to you?"

"Oh, I don't know, you could help me by being my friend. Maybe helping me get a life? Or maybe even a love life, I know that's a stretch but may-"

"Uh, I'm sorry ma'am but that's not what the Ikea Helpline is for."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah."

"What happened to 'we shall never deny a guest even the most ridiculous request'? Eh? In this case, the 'guest' is the customer, i.e. me."

"Uh ma'am, we have never said that. That policy is from Spongebob."

"Well then clearly Mr. Krabs is better at running a hotel than you."

"Firstly, this is Ikea's Helpline, not a hotel. And secondly, I'm not the manager."

"Obviously. Look at how badly you're treating your customers!"

"Maybe if the customers weren't weird, stubborn and crazy then I would treat them with more respect."

"How dare you call me weird, stubborn and crazy! Oh my god you are a terrible hotel manager."

"What the fuck? Lady, THIS AIN'T NO HOTEL AND I AIN'T THE MANAGER! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!"

"Don't you dare call me 'lady'! It makes me feel old! I'm only 19 for God's sake! And don't swear at me or so help me I will report this to your manager! You need to treat me with respect! I am the customer!"

"Listen here you stubborn, crazy lady. I will treat you how I want to because you aren't even using the Helpline for its purpose! This is not a 'let's find a friend' Helpline! It's a fucking Ikea Helpline! And I can swear how many fucking times I want! Now please save me the pain of having to carry on this idiotic conversation and stop FUCKING TALKING!"

"..."

"Hallelujah."

***