only the lonely // josh klinghoffer

ch. 15

It's my birthday sooooo I figured a nice lil update would be perfect :) ~

I woke up to the sounds of children laughing and the loud shriek of the waves crashing down into the shore. Holy shit. I felt horrible. Was this a hangover or was this just me feeling like total shit? I rubbed my head and opened my eyes and realized I was still on the beach, in the same exact spot I passed out at last night.

And I woke up alone. I wasn't too surprised by this at all. Nice. 

I stood up, dusting off all the sand that had stuck to my clothing and ignored the stares from everyone around me. I retrieved my phone from my pocket and realized I had literally 30 missed calls from Ashley. Not a single one from Josh. I'll admit, I really wasn't surprised by this either.

I started jogging back to the street and hailed down a cab. If Ash was there at the apartment, I knew she was going to let me have it. I did her so wrong last night by taking off and not giving her a heads up or any kind of warning. And trust me, I felt horrible about that. 

I paid the cab driver and slowly made my way up the stairs, trying not to make too much noise. I was seriously terrified to go inside because I knew I was about to receive a verbal beating. And I was too hungover to deal with anything at the moment. 

I opened the door and not even a second went by before I heard her storm out of her room to face me. 

"Frankie! Really?!" she raised her voice and threw up her hands, her hair completely messed up. I knew she was hungover, too.

"Ashley, look, last night was a mess.. and  I really don't need to hear this right now," I calmly stated before heading towards the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. My throat felt like a literal desert. 

 "So I guess you just don't care that you completely disappeared last night without telling me anything? Nice, Frankie," she said coldly before going into her bedroom and slamming the door shut. 

I immediately felt like I was being attacked and I wanted to go in her bedroom and bring up the last time the both of us went out and how she drank way too much and had no control whatsoever. Oh, and how completely worried I was.

But that was also the night I met Josh. And saying that memory out loud would've made me feel too sad or miserable. 

I let out a heavy sigh and laid on the couch for a while, staring off and thinking about how quickly last night changed. 

"I can't believe Mark just left me like that? And why did I even go with him? I should've just stayed at the venue and sobered up and went home.. what was I thinking?" I thought to myself. 

I wanted to nap and sleep away all of this weird tension that was happening in our apartment, but I just couldn't. I got up and crept into Ashley's room and cuddled with her. Even though she was asleep, I gently whispered in her ear that I was sorry and that I loved her, and gave her a small kiss on the cheek before leaving. 

I didn't want to feel trapped in the house with this weird mood I was in, so I threw some new clothes on and left. I didn't know where I was going, but anywhere was fine with me. I ended up walking until my legs were exhausted and gave out, so I sat down on the curb of the street and observed my surroundings. I pulled out my phone from my pocket and noticed I still hadn't received anything- not a call or a text from anyone. Not even the person I wanted to hear from. 

Maybe I should give him a call? Would he answer this time? Or maybe send him a text?

I felt stupid for thinking way too hard about this. I mean, he was my boyfriend. And the fact that I almost felt like a burden trying to talk to him was ridiculous to me. 

I kept thinking of random excuses as to why he hasn't been in touch with me for a few days. Like maybe he was at a show right now, or at band practice, or eating lunch, or doing anything. I mean, duh, a tour is obviously time consuming so I understood that he couldn't talk to me 24/7 and all that. But I wondered how Ashley and Anthony were able to do it. He called her numerous times a day and I couldn't help but feel rather envious of her. 

I just missed him a lot, and that scared me a little. 

I started scrolling through my Instagram on my phone to keep my mind off of things, and I noticed the band had posted some new photos. I started looking through them and I saw photos of Flea playing his bass, Anthony writing the setlist, Chad smoking a cigarette and Josh, posing next to a beautiful woman holding a white bass guitar.

Since I had become so insecure within the past couple of days, my immediate reaction to this photo wasn't swooning over how handsome my man looked. I wanted to know who this woman was. This gorgeous pale pink-haired woman who looked like some kind of runway model. I noticed that she was tagged in the photo, so of course, I naturally clicked on her page and began casually scrolling through her photos. 

And that's when I started to become nervous. 

There were so many photos of just the two of them. Photos of them eating together, playing instruments together, having coffee together, visiting places together. 

I wasn't even sure what to think of what I was seeing. And it also wasn't hard to realize that she was on tour with them.

I wanted to stop myself but I couldn't stop scrolling through the photos. There were so many.. and they were all recent ones. 

I felt my throat become itchy and I wanted to vomit. I had never felt this insecure and low in my life. I sat there on the curb while the sun was going down, criticizing every single thing about myself. 

I wasn't talented, and I most definitely couldn't play a bass guitar. Let alone any kind of instrument.

I wasn't thin like a model. And I probably never would be.

I wasn't interesting at all. I was a mess. 

I mean, why would a girl like me ever end up with a guy like him? 

I knew I shouldn't feel angry because nobody did anything. But I felt like I wanted to scream. A small part of me was trying to convince myself that maybe I was just overreacting. She was probably just a friend of his; but reading all of the comments on her photos from people saying things like "Oh you guys are perfect!" and "Who is the lucky guy?" didn't help calm my worries down. 

I clicked out of everything and started walking back to the apartment. Tears hadn't even left my eyes, but I had such a sour feeling in my stomach that it felt difficult to breathe. It felt so wrong finding this out from social media. It felt like I was doing something wrong. Like maybe I wasn't supposed to see those photos.

I had no idea what to do or what to say, so I just stood there at a busy intersection, closing my eyes and finally succumbing to the tears.