After being away from the track for two weeks I decided it was time to go back. Late Wednesday night I got my camera equipment and my computer ready for the upcoming weekend at Indy. I was excited, I could get back to doing what I love and really start to move on. No part of me was nervous. I knew how to deal with Chase, and Ryan, Bubba and I were starting to get back to normal.
That night, I had just drifted to sleep when someone knocked on my door. I wasn't surprised when I opened it, because it was Chase. And he was obviously drunk.
"Part of me wants to slam this door in your face," I said. "But my better judgment tells me that if you leave here you'll get killed, so get your ass in here, lay on my couch and I'm gonna go back to bed."
I began to walk back to my room, but Chase stopped me and pushed me against the wall. He place a hand on either side of my head, and if his lips were any closer to mine, they'd be touching.
"I know you've been drinking tonight too," he said. "Let's be crazy, just tonight."
I wanted to. I wanted him. I leaned to connect our lips, but I pulled away at the last second. "I can't."
He backed away silent.
I slept off and on all night. All I could think about was that I blew my chance at maybe getting him back. But at the same time I still hated him for what he said.
Around 5:30 that next morning I had been up for a solid hour and a half, so I decided to just get up and get ready to head to the track. I walked out of my room and Chase was already up. It was silent. It wasn't awkward, but we were both very aware of it.
I reached into the cupboard to grab my coffee, I turned around and Chase was right behind me. Before I knew it, he lifted me onto the counter and his lips were as close as the night before.
"Did you happen change your mind?" he asked.
I didn't necessarily change my mind, but this time I gave in, and I crashed my lips onto his.
We both ended up falling asleep. I woke up and took a shower. I walked into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror.
"What the hell did I just do?" I whispered to myself.
I thought I still hated him...but maybe that hate was going away. Maybe the truth was I still loved him, and I missed him.
I walked back out into the kitchen and Chase was up. Again, we were silent.
"Ok, we can't just act like that didn't happen," Chase said finally breaking the silence. "I mean, where is this gonna go?"
"No where," I answered. "We were both hungover, and didn't have much judgement. That's it."
The silence returned.
"Well, I have to get to the track soon, so I should go," Chase said. The door latched before I could responded.
I turned on my phone and started a text to Chase.
"Please don't go. I miss you. And I love you."
I was so close to pressing send, but I backed out and deleted everything I just typed.
*********
Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Easily one of my favorite tracks. I knew no matter how hurt or mad I was, I wasn't gonna pass up this weekend.
"Hey, nice to see you back here," Bubba said as I walked down pit road before Xfinity qualifying.
"It's Indy, and I wasn't gonna miss it. That and I figured I should get back before I lose the only job I've wanted since I was 12," I responded.
